Preoccupied

Do you ever start to move in a direction with something, feeling as if you set your course for the day, but you realize something is not quite right........almost as if you left the stove on, or the car running in the garage, or you forgot to put on deodorant or something? Well, that's what I'm experiencing this morning. I am trying very hard to get quiet and focused to write, and actually did get a couple of paragraphs out a bit ago, just to have it bleeped because I lost my internet connection. That is SO maddening.......but....I'm going to look at it another way. Maybe I wasn't suppose to write about that particular subject this morning, or maybe I was putting off eating breakfast and needed to do that in order to think properly........OR....maybe my mind is preoccupied with something else, and it seems usless to write until I take care of it.....whatever "it" is.

There is something, and I have some speculations on what.........that's getting in the way of me writing, so I thought maybe the best way to handle it is to actually work it out in here. There's a novel idea for you. Do I need another cup of coffee to get this out? Hmmmm...maybe.

Well...the stove is off.....my car is not running and I have actually put on deodorant for the day......so we have that covered. So....what am I pondering, what am I holding in, what needs to be layed out on the table and sorted out? Well, actually it's several options that are staring right at me, and I'm trying to decide the best one.......and honestly I don't know which is worse, to have no options or having too many. I seem to view my life as blessed with too many options, so I don't want to appear to whine and complain here, but I do have a hard time making choices mainly because of my physical limitations. But we can talk about that later.

So.....several options....all good ones......and all a blessing if chosen.....so what gets in my way of choosing? Well, time and energy, which I think is so interesting because it's somewhat of a global issue nowadays.........is a number one priority in my life.....and honestly even if you are not sick, you might want to consider it being a priority in your own life. I do think it's important that we take time to decipher our own personal meaning of time and energy, because no matter what is said here, I'm positive that most of you will put time and energy in the "not enough of" column.

Now there are certain ways you can look at time. Usually we use the term, time contraints, which to me could either mean mandatory time constraints, or those that are self imposed for different reasons. We all need time to sleep, eat, work, take care of personal needs, or in taking care of those around us. All this is understandably placed at the top of your time list.....no way to get around it. You could very easily choose not to do these things, but I'm not sure what sort of life you would end up having in the long run. Some of us would like to believe there is leftover time to do whatever we feel like doing....read, nap, vacation, clean out a closet....etc. The point is, are you able to set aside the time, and are you able to make wise choices in how that time is spent?

The second issue is energy. Now I think most of us believe that energy is a precious commodity, at least I see it that way. I guess when you are in a constant mode of conserving it so you can use it in other ways, it quickly becomes a commodity. But there is one important element here about energy. Energy is not as available as time. You might have the time to do something, but not always the energy. I realize this sounds like a riddle and honestly I feel myself trying desperately to make a point here, so just give me "time". Which is actually a most appropriate way in which to make my point. I have the time to write this, but I can tell that my energy level is low, so the decision here is, do I want to rest and lose my train of thought, or would it be worth my time and energy to finish it while I'm on a roll?

I believe, and maybe this is the point to this whole time/energy thought....this has more to do with motives and intention. Ok...I can see I'm going to have to get the trusty webster out so we can be clear about what those mean. Motive: the inner drive or impulse to do something. Intention: the purpose or intended aim. Ok so......lately when I get ready to make a decision about something, I have to address those issues.......motive and intent. In fact it becomes more about those two things more so than the time and energy. Maybe it should have been two different blogs....maybe not, because it's clear that are all interconnected. My title was preoccupied, and make no mistake, I will continue to be preoccupied until it's very clear to me what my motive and intent is about the decisions that are before me right now. Mainly because with my own physical limitations, I can no longer afford to play around with my time and energy. Just as the world is seeing clearly that changes need to be made with fuel, means of travel, becoming more "green conscious"....etc.....I also need to make some decisions about how I want to or rather need to spend my time and energy, because I don't have alot to play around with anymore. That is my own personal reality and whether you are sick or well, we all need to see it as a precious commodity.

So while I haven't necessarily made specific decisions this morning about my current dilemma of options, choices and what is best for me personally, I will for sure spend time wisely and think about my motive and intent so that I can be at peace about how I spend what little time and energy I have left.

Savor the Quiet

One of my favorite things to do, not necessarily every single day, but more days than not, is to get up around 5am and actually sit in the quiet. As I sit here writing, I hear nothing outside, not even the birds are up yet. Inside the ceiling fan whrrrrs and the refrigerator hums, but thats it. I find almost as much enjoyment out of listening to the quiet as I do listening to Rachmaninoff on my record player. I actually don't know many people who like to dwell in this place of quiet for several reasons. First of all, they would rather sleep, stating who in their right mind would get up that early to hear the quiet? Secondly, they wouldn't be able to sit still in the quiet, because they would be constantly trying to figure out how to fill it, not really finding any benefit at all to spending time that way. And third, if you're going to be up that early, then why not be productive in some way.

Well of course to each his own, and I certainly don't own the corner market on the ten most desirable ways in which to spend your early morning moments, but at the same time wondering, why is that so appealing to me? I know.....the person who teaches never to ask why of anything in this life, but for this seems to ponder on finding some explanation. I could just sit here and enjoy it, and I do, but for once this early morning I felt compelled to share it with someone.

My trusty percolater with it's gentle blupe, blupe blupe, blupe, blupe blupe......waiting for me each morning to plug it in so it can fill the room with this heavenly aroma. The sky is still dark, but my 30 year old lamp still provides just enough light for me to write. My tray with coffee and toast sits at my side for my early morning nourishment, for with my need to eat every three hours, six hours of sleep is too long without filling up again. The coffee is sublime, and thank God it's on the approved list lately for being beneficial to your health. Even though if it weren't...I would still drink it. I believe some vice's are good, unless of course you abuse them......so I'll justify my 2 cups in the morning.....after all....they're small ones.

So you may be asking by now, what does she think about in the quiet moments? I guess you would have to try it and see what comes up for you, but more than anything, it soothes the mind.......not like closing your eyes and going to sleep at night because you aren't aware of it. Maybe its the awareness of it that makes it so appealing. During the day, especially if you live in the city, the air is constantly filled with noise, so much so I find it almost impossible to even hear myself think. There is no way I can get through a day without shutting the windows, turning on the fan and turning the phones off so I can close my eyes and be quiet for at least 45 minutes. It feels as if my mind and body will go into overload if I don't.

With the early morning hours, it's as if I'm the only one alive. As if God has set aside a few precious moments just for me to enjoy, no one else. If He has anything to say to me at all, He would say it now, and if I were going to listen....I would listen now. If there would be a time for me to experience ease of physical pain, no confusion, no sadness and complete clarity.....it would be now. If there were to be lessons learned, then I would be open enough to learn them, because my mind is not busy trying to process something else.

As the hour passes, and the sky lightens.....the world is starting to move about. It's not quite as still and quiet, but what I hear is not overbearing, but it is still taking the place of my empty space. See how quickly it all went? The birds are probably awakened by the train whistle this morning, easing out of their trusty little birdhouses or cozy corners in the tree, the early morning flights flying off to new places race across the sky and that city hum where cars are starting to move about and people are slowly getting geared up for the day. Sounds enchanting doesn't it? But the quiet is gone, and I wonder if maybe I should just set the clock for 4 each morning, so I can soak it up even longer. It's too bad you can't bottle this time and stick it in your pocket, as if you're filling up your thermos of coffee for a pick me up later in the day. Unfortunately the only way in which to experience is to wake up at 5 and see what it feels like. Not 6.....but 5.

I'm not likely to get a following anytime soon, but someday I hope that everyone would just try it once. There should be a way to market it for those diehard sleepers who would never consider trying an early morning anything. Maybe in an attractive package to sell, for after all, if someone were looking for a way in which to make money, I can assure you this would be a instant success.

I read something about 10 years ago, which I remember quite often. Its a quote by Deepak Chopra, a man that believes that one of Gods greatest gifts is quiet and solitude.

"You need not do anything....just remain sitting at your desk and wait
You need not even wait, just listen
You need not even listen, just learn to become still and quiet, solitary, and the world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked.......it has no choice, it will rule with ecstacy at your feet."

I love that.

Time Well Spent

There are many things that can get me riled up.....but what hits the top of the list is when someone is determined to play judge and jury for those around them. Their prime focus in life is to watch, monitor or catch others breaking the rules. And I'm not talking about murder, burglary or a hit and run incident......I'm talking about very minor things here that in the big picture, mean nothing in the long run. I believe that each of us as individuals should be allowed to live on this earth without feeling someone is closeby ready to trip us up or catch us doing something, or even worse taking full pleasure in actually coming up with some guideline or rule that has been broken...either intentional or unintentional.

I myself spend most of my time alone...which is not by choice, but because of my circumstances, and I can tell you that I can find far more important ways to experience my day without worrying about what someone else is doing or not doing. If my window and blinds are open, its to see the sky and feel the sunlight that comes in......not to get my binoculars out to see who is coming or going in the neighborhood. If my door is open, it's not to see the next person coming around the corner just for me to judge, criticize or redicule.......it's to let the air in, or welcome in a friend for a visit, or say good morning to the mailman.

If I need some excitement, I can get a book off my shelf or from the library about sinister people and deliberate criminal activity.....not search in vain for someone in my neighborhood to slip up and do something that I believe is wrong. I would like to think that most people mean well, that they are in fact kind and considerate.......but I also know that no one is perfect......so what's the point in trying to believe that they should be.....for after all....I'm not....and never will be.

There are so many other ways in which to spend time, to let others live their own life, make their own decisions and hold themselves accountable for their own behavior without me sticking my nose in and making sure they see their mistakes. Everyone is coming from a different place in this life, have been through things that none of us could ever imagine or understand. Some are lonely, some are sad, some are in physical pain that may not be visable to the outside world, but is still very real. So why is it so hard to let others be, unless they are so blatent about doing something wrong that you cannot turn your head and ignore it. It shouldn't be anyone's goal in life to constantly see what is wrong, but rather see the things that are right and to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Kindness, consideration, nonjudgemental thoughts and actions, acceptance and understanding should stand out in anyones life, more than suspicious eyes and making a list of what someone might be doing or not doing. Each of us should be allowed to live our lives as we see fit, unless of course you are obviously stepping on someone elses toes........or blatantly breaking the law. Each one of us is individual and is not going to do everything the way you think it should be done. If something seems odd or not natural, stop for a moment and think.........there might be good reason why that person has to live that way, instead of seeing them as different, living outside the norm, or is not a carbon copy of who you are.

I would hope that I am an asset to whatever situation I'm in at the moment. I would hope that I would look at others with a kind eye, not one of suspicion and seeing what is wrong or what could be wrong.....but search for the things that are right. I would hope that I would spend my time encouraging and building others up instead of criticizing and tearing them down. I would hope that I am good company and speak kindly of others instead of finding fault with them. I would hope that throughout the course of a day, I would discuss ways in which I might change myself and my own behavior in hopes of changing what is not right in the world, instead of constantly pointing the finger outward.

There are many tired, worried, sick and lost people in this world, who try very hard just to get through each day....often wondering when they wake up in the morning......can I get through this day Lord? They do what they can to hang in there and don't deserve to be berated, questioned, interrogated or judged about how they live their life. I believe most people are doing the best they can with what cards they've been dealt. So why would I want to beat them down anymore?

The Secret Life of ZZZZZZZZZZ

Do you often wonder what it would take for you to get a good nights sleep? If you're like me, the code has not yet been broken. I feel as if I've had to carry my trusty suitcase of flightplans to bed with me, like the ones you see pilots lug around in the airport. Whatever is needed to get the pilot from one airport to the next......speed, fuel, maps, alternate routes....etc......and ultimately accomplish their goal which is getting the passenger from point A to point B without accident or harm. I myself have one goal in mind, which sometimes starts early in the evening. Which flightplan will I use in order to sleep tonight? Is it how quickly I think I need to fall asleep, which concoction will enable me to stay asleep, and more importantly, how will I feel when I wake up the next morning?

Seems like that process in itself should leave me exhausted enough that there should be no thought or plan at all......but thats me wishing I'm afraid. It's been a lifetime mystery to me in watching someone else be able to close their eyes, and within seconds or minutes, they're out like a light. No discussion of being tired, or hoping they will get some sleep or pondering which drug might work........... just out.......period. I doubt they have ever stopped to think how they do that. So what is all the fuss about it? What is the secret? Why am I forced to frantically pilfer through my plan of attack, while others get a free pass to the twilight zone?

I believe in my trusty bag of plans, I have two things that truly get in my way of being able to lull myself off to lah lah land. I have two tapes, one labeled what I did before this point, and one labeled what I might need to do in the future. The first tape can include things that were said, done or tried......the second tape involves what could or might happen. Of course you see where I'm going with this. Now rest assured, there is no pilot around who would carry with him flightplans that didn't work, or flightplans that might be more efficient in the future.....they only carry the flightplans that will be used for that particular flight. Granted I could be wrong here since I'm not actually a pilot, but if I were, I would only be concerned with where I was going that day.

Now I could very easily have my little basket of potions next to my bed that I can just download without going through the agony of ....I should be able to just shut my eyes and go to sleep. And for the most part, that's what I've done in the past.....reluctantly I might add. There's nothing like adding fuel to the fire, in not only having to take the sleeping pill, but resenting that fact. My usual inner dialogue of........just shut up and take it Cindy......usually wins over.........but something interesting has happened of late. Instead of reviewing my attempted flightplans that didn't work, I began to listen to the tapes. You know....the tapes with the should haves or might happen stories. Ahhhh....yes......those tapes that we choose to play over and over again....the ones that do nothing but steal your ability to rest, sleep and regroup for the next day. The culprit......like a wolf in the middle of the night who comes to steal any good thing that may have gone on the day before.......or any peace or hope that the future may hold.

If you haven't figured it out yet.....I'm talking about one thing here.......at least the one thing that gets in the way of me being able to just brush my teeth, put my pajama's on, turn out the light and fall asleep.........WORRY. One word.......another one of those words that leaves a nasty taste in your mouth. According to Webster.......this is NO joke either.......here are just a few words that describe the word "worry". To pluck at, to annoy, to bother, harass, vex.......to cause to feel troubled or uneasy....to make anxious.........and I love this one.......to bite, pull or tear. So this is what I do to myself each night before I go to bed.....or attempt to fall asleep. So my thoughts on the wolf were true, but the worst part about this is.......I'M THE WOLF!!!!!!!!!

Are You Green?

It occurred to me this morning, with all the talk about "going green" in this country, that I had in fact already begun to go green. My life for the last 10 years or more has been about saving energy, but I had never put it under the category of "going green". I would imagine when most of us hear that word, we immediately think about the gasoline dilemma, or installing the new fangled light bulbs, or being more conservative with water usage.....etc. I'm sure we could all come up with several different ways in which to conserve energy.....but I wonder why its the complete opposite when we look at our own individual selves. It seems this world is more interested in doing more, going faster, adding more, than getting back to the basics of life. After all, there is much to be said about slowing down, resting, spending time being quiet and still, not filling up our calendar, but erasing those activities that really provide nothing but a frantic lifestyle. In other words........what is all the rush about????

I realize that I am coming from a completely different place than most people, being forced to live with a chronic illness and either incorporating "green living" into my daily life or paying dearly for it physically.......but why does a person have to get sick in order to learn a lesson in life? What is so hard about giving up chaos, because if you're honest with your self here, you already know that the chaotic life really is a choice. Sometimes I wonder if we add so many things to our list because it makes us feel as if we have more control. That if we keep up the speed that a chaotic life requires, we won't notice what is truly going on emotionally and physically. In other words, knowing full well that something is not quite right, but you choose to pick up the pace to avoid looking at the real problem.

Each day that goes by, I see that my chair is positioned in a completely different place than it used to be......and with all my physical limitations and thinking I was a victim because of them, I have been gifted with new eyesight that sees my life as being more blessed than the richest or strongest person on earth. It's as if I took my own lightbulb out, which would burn out quickly, to a new fangled "green" lightbulb that will burn for many months. And all it took was me changing something that took little effort to change.

The world has no clue that their own physical strength, wellness, peace of mind and wellbeing is in fact a precious commodity. One that first of all needs to be recognized and appreciated.....and then protected and guarded like a Rembrandt in a gallery. If you want to keep that painting in tact so that it will last for a very long time so others can enjoy it, you will have to invest time in protecting it.

I have a list of ways to conserve my own precious energy.......as each of us can have, but we have to take the time to sit down and actually write those things down, study them, and figure out how we can change the world by changing ourselves.......one "green" bulb at a time.

The Words

For someone who loves to blog, never at a loss for words, I have to be careful of a list. A list of what you ask. A list of words that most of us carry around 24/7 that can most often steal our joy, happiness and hope for the good things that come to us in life. Now I'm sure you're asking how can someone who hangs out at home all day in her pajama's have a list of words that could steal anything? Well, trust me, I have my days. Especially when its one where the body has something extra to carry around like it does today. I don't need a weatherman to tell me it's going to rain or storm. My head speaks volumes......mainly headaches, 101.

I think most of us have words in our head that challenge us when we're not feeling well, whether we're suffering already from an illness or not. That's why the first thing I ask a person when they're struggling with something is.....are you hungry, not getting enough sleep, or are you not feeling well today? And usually what happens is they will spill their guts about something, then at the end will share one of those issues and then it dawns on them.......oh this is why I'm on the edge of the cliff today.

When you aren't feeling well, and I can do it just as much as the next person.......your mind and body become vulnerable. It's like a crack in the window where undesirable thoughts and feelings slip in and make you question yourself. Any other day you would have a list to scroll through of positive words, such as strong, motivated, capable, wise, hopeful, joyful.....etc. But on those days where you aren't your best either physically or emotionally, the list changes into words like......lazy, loser, procrasinater, worthless, non productive...etc. Now it's plain to see that much can be gained from the positive words......they even slide off the tongue easier...try it and see. Plus when you say them outloud, you can actually feel the difference.

So, how can we avoid letting the not so pleasant words slip through the crack? Pay attention to your state of mind.....and be kind to yourself when you're not feeling well. Whether its a headache, aches from too much activity from the day before, or even dealing with a chronic illness that won't let up........just be on guard for "the words" in your head. Just being aware of why you feel them slip in will give you the power to either give into them, or make adjustments.

Words are powerful...... they can either heal, comfort and encourage, or they can destroy your peace of mind. This goes for words that are said to you, or words that you keep inside for yourself..... and let's face it....... with the current state of things right now and all that seems wrong in the world....... much can be gained from the good list.

So today as I sit in my blue pajama's with huge lemons, I will honor self, be kind to self, nurture self.......... until the clouds passover and takes my headache south.

First Things First

As much fun as coaching is from my big chair, with coffee in hand and the world outside my window at sunrise......there is some sense to my madness. The day doesn't begin until I've sifted through and cleaned up my own worries, fears and frustrations, and settling with a strong sense of gratitude before sifting through someone elses life. For no matter what ails me, someone out there is 10 time more worried, fearful and frustrated and searching for help.

My trusting journal takes on so many thoughts of mine, with words filling up the page, pages filling up a book awaiting its final destination.........on the shelf with the rest of my life. Just think, someday my journals could be sitting on someone elses shelf waiting to be read. Their favorite passtime will be picking through the life of Cindylee. Will it be entertaining, sad, intriguing, exciting, tragic? Probably all of those but I would hope more than anything it might be inspirational.

After journaling, another cup of coffee and freeing up my mind for the day, I see that my inbox is full of messages. Interesting though, not so much from just friends staying in touch, but with people I've yet to correspond with, searching for someone to share their story with. I put my coaching hat on, squirm in the big chair until I get comfortable and strap myself in for a new adventure. Stopping for a moment to ask God to check my head and heart, making sure none of this is about me......for I'm not seeking approval or recognition......only to be a witness. To be a witness, or the kind of witness I strive to be, I must clear my mind, let go of the ego or self or any expectations of getting anything....just giving.

The messages range from several pages long to a few paragraphs......all written in hopes that someone has the time to just read it and hopefully feel the frustration, pain, heartache, loss...etc. Not to necessarily fix.....just read. And since I'm in my big chair, there are no time limits.....I can read it over and over again, looking for clues or suggestions of how I might approach that person.......with no concern of any interruptions. Though another message could pop up at anytime, and they do.......I can send a quick message letting them know I'm there, and will get to them within the next few minutes.

I never was very good at juggling, because I do have a shade of ADD......but always manage to work out a system that works for me.....and when you're dealing with alot of chronically ill people who are homebound looking for an outlet for their pain, knowing they are probably also in their pajama's.....its makes it alot more fun. Sometimes it feels as if we have this world all to ourselves. Theres the normal people......or who we think are normal because they get dressed up and drive somewhere to work living the american dream, and then there are the extraordinary people like me, who haven't necessarily chosen to be at home in their pajama's......but have no other choice.

Makes life so much more fun if I see those that are chronically ill as extraordinary. I believe "being sick" has been given a bad rap actually. That group of people who need to be pitied because they are physically or emotionally limited........are actually the chosen to make the rest of the world learn the meaning of gratefulness. YIKES.........did I just come up with a quote there? Excuse me while I write that down in my journal!!!!!!!