I don't know about you, but I could get a fairly good list going of things I'd like to kick up the dust about today. Most of the time, I'm able to handle whatever the issue might be, and after a few minutes transform it into something more manageable........though today has not been one of those days. Most often these days arise because I've not been taking care of myself in some way, or either expecting too much, or not able to let go of something because I'm hanging on for dear life, hell bent on not yielding to something that is destined to change in my life whether I like it or not. Sort of like pressing the floor with your foot in the passenger seat, hoping that the driver will slow down or stop. You can press that foot clear through the floor, and if the driver wants to slow down, they will slow down......but you're pretty much at the mercy of whoever's driving....period.
Now I was hoping that this new year would bring only good things, because the last year has been rough, to say the least......emotionally, physically, financially....etc.....but so far it's felt like I've been tied to the bumper of a truck, and dragged across a cobblestone road naked. Not a pretty sight I assure you, and about as painful as you can imagine, nevertheless.....thats what it felt like, and doesn't look like it's easing up anytime soon. Now granted most of my rough stuff is physical, but honestly it doesn't really matter whether you have physical or emotional challenges that weigh you down.......the frustration is the same.
The question is of course.....what do you do with your anger? And don't tell me you don't have any, because I won't believe you. Everyone has stuff they're dealing with at some level. Either something they want to say to someone but feel they can't, something they want to change, but feel they can't........in other words....your freedom to express has been stifled, squashed, disabled.....and we all want to be understood or express what we're truly feeling. Suppose you've been treated unfairly about something, or someone has said something about you that is not true, or you've made a decision lately that you believe you must have made while jumping out of an airplane or high on cocktails......and now you're paying for it dearly. Maybe it was a decision made to keep someone else happy, or to give them what they want, as opposed to you doing what was right for yourself.
Realizations such as these are hard to look at head on, because it reminds you that you clearly were not basing your decisions on truth or reality. You know.......that little voice inside your head that says......well shoot......I'm gonna just jump and hope for the best.....besides I'm doing this to make someone else happy, so it can't be wrong can it? Hmmmm.....well....I'll let you answer that one.
I think most of the time we are more angry with ourselves than with other people. Sure you can point the finger, finding good reason why you've ended up in a spot you thought you would never end up in, so it must have been someone who pushed you, coherced you, nagged you, etc, until you just gave in and said yes to whatever they wanted. So yes....they got what they wanted.....YAHOO.....good for them.......but what happens to you? What kept us from stepping back and looking clearly at what making that decision would mean to YOUR life? All well intended because we want to love, nuture, and give out of kindness and devotion..........but there has to be a way in which to give without losing yourself completely, where your life becomes all about the other person, and there is nothing left to identify you. You've sort of blended into the woodwork, until one day you wake up and realize..........what happen to me?
You wonder what happened to those things that nurtured you, that fed your soul, that comforted you, that kept you grounded and balanced in life....etc. They've quickly been molded, without you knowing it, into something that you cannot even relate to any longer. And then uh oh..........you wake up one morning and realize........who is that person in the mirror.......it's not me.
Then the anger sets in. Yeh.....I'm talking to you. The one who thinks whatever it is that's bothering them will just slip out the back door, leaving you alone with a glorious sense of peace and joy. Well.....if you've got one of those minds that can do that....go for it. Tell me later how that's working for you. However..........
If your ears are perked up about right now, and as you continue to read these words, that "something" is beginning to swell up in your gut.....that little gnawing that won't go away no matter what you try.......well...then maybe you're ready to go to work and see where you can park that anger that will invariably start affecting those around you unless you do something about it.
First of all.....take a deep breathe.........there.......take another one. You realize part of the problem is the fact that you are NOT breathing......so all that stuff that sort of nags at you can't get out properly. Now get your mind focused on what you believe is in your gut right now. You can make a list of piddling things, but more than likely there is something at the core. The one thing that if you stop and look at will only reveal the truth of your anger. Maybe you're one of these people who believe you should never get angry......that it doesn't say much about your character if you submit to it, so you decide the best way is to find a place to store it inside that crafty little head of yours. Maybe nothing ever bothers you......you're just a balanced, stable sort of person who has a glorious life where everything falls right into place..........yeh right.......if thats the case...please pass on your phone number so I can get some pointers. I must be doing something wrong.
OK......so from your list.....what did you come up with? Were they things like, there is never enough money, my spouse drives me nuts or just doesn't do what I want them to do, my body is falling apart, I hate my job, I don't believe anyone truly understands me....or this is not what I thought my life was going to look like at age _____. I'm probably pretty close, or there may be some heavier things on the list that you are not ready to address right now.......or sort of nag you.....but not enough to do anything about.
So...after looking at your list, are your eyes drawn to one thing that really stands out.......one thing that really gives your gut a twinge? There are no right or wrong answers here.....and there's no one standing over your shoulder right now.....so it's ok to sit with it for a few minutes. What's on your list that has the potential to become lethal and could get blown way out of proportion if it's not addressed now? What will it do much later, if you don't fess up to it now? What are you likely to lose if you don't first recognize it, and then say it outloud either to yourself, or to someone around you? And we can be talking about the smallest little thing, to something that you know if you open your mouth, you'll be destroyed.
Maybe you just need to say something outloud to someone, recognizing the risk, but knowing that if you don't, it will nag you till the day you die. Whatever it is, and I think you know by now what it is......the one core thing that needs to be addressed.....but you are choosing to ignore it. The one thing that just keeps you on the edge of anger.....each day that passes you think will just float away, but it never does.
So what do you do with it? Where can you stash it so it won't show? What happens to any peace or joy you could have while you're here if you choose to hang onto it? What happens to you and the sort of person you really wanted to be, or the sort of life you wanted to live, but somehow got lost?
Sounds like a disappointment more than an anger blog right? Well....I think anger can most often follow disappointment. Things just didn't turn out the way you thought they were going to......and when you look in the mirror....you have no clue as to who you're looking at anymore. Cause for anger? Absolutely.........and if it brings any peace at all, just remember......most all of us go through moments like this, you just don't know about them. Most often the disappointment is kept at bay, because we don't want people to think we can't control what goes on in our lives.......but then our lip starts to gnarl up, we start gritting our teeth, the muscles in our neck stiffen up, then you notice you're getting an edge........your gut starts to swell up, and then BAM.
So whatever IT is......whatever you came up with on your list and whatever you zeroed in on ........go with it. See where it goes.....I promise you won't self destruct if you do. Real truth....honest, gut level truth allows a shift to occur, which opens the door for change. So if you want something to be different in your life, don't wait for the other person to magically change into who you need them to be, or the perfect situation to come along because you think you deserve it.......look in the mirror.......see if there is some anger about something. Or if you want to call it something else then thats fine. No matter what you call it......anger, resentment, bitterness, loss, rejection, frustration, sadness.........whatever.....look at it for once.
It's ok to be angry......furious....kick up a fuss, wail, rant and rave, throw stuff, hit stuff, yell, scream, whatever you've mind to do.......let her rip. You probably have good reason and no one would think the less of you if you threw a fit right in front of them. Hey....if you need a witness......get one. Just don't hold it in anymore......serves no purpose and will only fester and get worse.
I hope when you look in the mirror tomorrow morning......you'll begin to see more of yourself again.
