"To Thine Ownself Be True"

So.... I wonder what our old friend Shakespeare was thinking when he came up with that phrase? Something must have triggered those words. Just think...even back then there was someone on this earth who was aware enough of themselves and those around them to actually contemplate self truth, and even though I don't know exactly what led him to write it, it still speaks to me. So we might as well get right down to it, because you already know I have something to say about the subject.

Truth. Now most people would think I'm talking about being honest with others, and while that is of the utmost importance.....I want to focus more on being honest with yourself, because actually, you can't really be truthful and honest with anyone else, unless you take a good look at yourself and see the truth. Well....what is the truth? Let's look it up shall we? Webster states that truth is the quality of being in accordance with facts or reality. Now I'll admit all of us, to a degree, stretch the truth in dealing with others, as well as self. Which basically means we are pretending something instead of portraying what is real. So why would we be so afraid to be real? What is wrong with being who you really are, unless your expectations are too high...especially of yourself?

Ah....so maybe this has to do with how we believe others view us? So we can't be honest with ourselves, because if we were, then we're afraid others won't accept us for who we are? Hence the "being in accordance with facts or reality comes into play." Yes indeedy, another one of my twisted puzzles thrown out on the floor to play with, pick at, analyze, and ponder. Hey it's either play with the puzzles or wake up each day playing a different game that really gets you nowhere fast. You ever wonder what people mean when they say "don't play mind games with me?" Well....I believe it has something to do with being dishonest with others, or somehow twisting the truth about yourself to get what you want.

So.....there we go. The crux of the issue or bottom line stems from......getting what you want...and doing or saying whatever you need to do or say to get it, and sadly enough, most of the time, getting away with it. I don't know about you, but that whole last sentence tasted really bitter in my mouth. I would almost rather have someone blatently lie to me, than to lie about who they really are, and it would be more important for them to get what they wanted or felt they deserved, than to "be in accordance with facts or reality,"..........in essence, live in truth.

Maybe it stems with how we look at ourselves. Are we so low on the totem pole, that no one would ever want to be around us? It's sad to think that we have to paint a completely different picture of ourselves than what others see, in order to be happy in this world or to feel accepted.....very sad indeed. So today I encourage you to for once take a look at yourself in the mirror and see the truth. If you see something good....then focus on the good. If you see something not so good or really bad, then make a pact with yourself to change it so you can live a more authentic life not only with yourself, but more importantly with those around you.

We all deserve to live in truth, and more likely to gain those things that mean the most to us in this life if we strive for honesty. So the next time something flies out of your mouth about yourself that you know in your gut is the farthest thing from the truth........try your best to remember old Shakespeare and his famous words of wisdom........"To Thine Ownself Be True."

Nip It.....Nip it in the Bud

Now....if you are around my age, you'll know where that phrase came from. Of course....Barney Fife from the Andy Griffith show....where else. I wonder when he started using that phrase if he had any idea how valuable a tool it would be these days in getting rid of, letting go of, or checking something off your list that honestly needs to be nixed once and for all? I doubt it. But you absolutely could feel the passion in his face when he used the term. Whatever was going on...it was time to just simply nip it.....period. Honestly, I'm able to carry that with me throughout the day because my body doesn't have room to drag around unwanted behavior or attitudes. So while I'm brushing my teeth, I'm thinking at the same time. Ok Cindy.....what is it today? What needs to be nipped in the bud? What do I need to change about myself, without having the need to blame it on anyone else? This is not about anyone else but me.

First of all, we all really know what needs to be nipped....we just keep it hidden in the closet along with our fear, regrets, anger, resentment, messy houses, dirty cars, unhealthy diets, excuses not to exercise.......you want me to go on? Ok...we can save the details till later I suppose. Now you can stand in front of the closet and be overwhelmed....or you can take one thing out each day to work on. Try something simple to start off with.....so after a while you can work your way up to the heavy duty nipping. If there's one thing you have to incorporate into your daily thinking, it's that you can't take on the world in one day....or yourself for that matter. If you do, you'll likely get discouraged and end up locking the door, thinking....out of sight...out of mind. Yeah...right, that'll work.

Pick a habit for instance. Can be minor, major, something you can keep hidden from other people, or at least you think they don't notice, or something if you saw someone else do, you would be appalled. You already know what it is.......it's not my place to type it out here .....so let's just go from there. How is this habit affecting your life......or those around you? Is it something you realize you're doing, but just can't stop for some reason? Where does the habit stem from........fear, worry, self loathing, anxiety, or is it a true addiction? Keep in mind, that some things need more than a "nip it" attitude.....I'm completely aware of that. But honestly, doesn't it start with a recognition and determination to let go of something because it's just a matter of discipline? We all believe we are wise enough to develop such habits as brushing our teeth each day, putting on deodorant so we don't offend those around us, or saying please and thank you..right? And those things became a habit because we placed a sense of importance on them. So......maybe the next step here is to see the habit, no matter what it is, and begin to place an importance on it.

First of all, good habits make us feel good about ourselves, right? They can imply good health, order, peace, self-awareness and a self esteem that is balanced and healthy...not cocky and narcissistic. Bad habits on the other hand sort of gnaw at your gut, with moments, only moments, of recognition of what needs to be nipped. The habit has usually been noticed by those around you, and you're mortified that you have even allowed yourself to get to this point. You keep the habit....but it costs you something, because you're not addressing the real problem that's hidden underneath the habit. All very twisted again......but hey...that's what I do. Just like a maze, I enjoy sifting through until I find the core....the truth about a situation. Doesn't have anything to do with being right, but more about discovering something about yourself.

OK....so stop right now and think about one habit. And pick a good one too.....one that is unsightly.....one that you don't think people see you doing. Or even if they do, you're still able to make believe they don't see you. Trust me...people do this every single day. And before you ask.....yes I have my own habits. But it was only with the recognition of them that I was able to whittle my pile in the closet down to something more manageable. Plus, with being confined to my home, I sometimes have a lot of time on my hands.....so honestly it's easier for me to work on mine.

Here is a list that I have gathered just from observing others......and don't take offense or feel like you've been caught doing something tacky......just see if they're some things that would be offensive to you if you saw someone else doing them. There are also many in here that people have asked me to help them with. And remember....this is just about awareness.

-constantly finding fault in others/finding the need to tear down instead of build up
-constantly being negative
-speculating the reason behind someone else's behavior
-using offensive language
-smoking or allowing your smoke to affect others
-being too loud
-whining or complaining
-not saying please and thank you
-road rage
-pushing to get your way
-being more concerned about what you are going to say instead of listening
-twisting the truth to flat out lying
-saying things because it's what you think the other person wants to hear, not because it's the truth
-manipulating the situation to get what you want
-having a victim mentality
-blaming your behavior or attitude on others
-being rude to waitresses or waiters
-focusing on someone else's faults instead of their good qualities
-procrastination
-avoiding instead of facing something head on
-gossiping
-snippy attitude

Well..I could go on here....but this is just a few. I'm sure you can find others in your closet of habits, some you might want to address, some you don't want to let go of, or honestly feel you have the right to keep. That is your call. And trust me...I don't own the corner market of etiquette here, nor am I trying for a guest appearance on Martha Stewart......this again is only about awareness and how your habits could possible be affecting those around you......and more importantly affecting you. If there is a deeper reason why you hang onto these habits.......isn't that good enough reason to "nip it." I know how people detest change....change of any kind.....but honestly if you have started reading my blogs, you must have already come to some sense of awareness. Coaching is about finding where you are at this moment....noticing what is right/wrong.....peaceful/chaotic......healthy/unhealthy...truthful/deceptive.....and taking steps to change what is not good for you or others, and start doing something different, that feels right.

Sit with this for a day or so....for the next blog I'll focus more on how to go about sorting and sifting through the closet of habits. Remember this is ALL good stuff. As if I placed a puzzle in front of you and said, here....take your time to pick through these......see how the pieces fit and what you'll end up with in the end. I promise....in the long run.....it's worth the effort to "nip it."

Step Away

Do you ever get the feeling that for whatever reason, you need to step away from something in order to get an answer? You think, ponder, rehash, speculate, juggle or try to manipulate a situation in your head until it becomes more than you can handle? Then you finally realize that the easiest way to figure something out, is to stop trying or asking why. What an amazing revelation that was for me, because I'm a born caretaker, fixer of wrong doings, righting the injustice of the world, albeit it not as a whole, but one lost soul at a time. And not necessarily because I thought I was a true savior for the world...but because I honestly thought I could help. It was my driving nature and purpose, to make a difference somehow.

Of course as time passed I learned, the hard way I might add, the benefits from stepping aside and observing what would happen with circumstances and people, minus my input. Course it's easy to understand why most people think that surely they have the right answer for anyone and any situation......most of us think that way. Most of us believe what we were taught growing up was the right way in which to do things, and that whatever education we had, would equip us with anything that may come our way......or even more egotistically.... someone else's way. I will not try to decipher this way of thinking, because I truly believe for the most part......it's normal.

However, what if one wanted to step away from the norm, and choose a different palette in which to paint. May sound twisted and abstract for some, but for myself would actually offer a challenge much different than the one I was forced to live with each day. For how can a person be "ok" with being sick most of their life, when all the rest of the world roams about the earth doing as they please? What is fair about that and more importantly how could one begin to manipulate the situation so that it not be such a focus in life, or better yet.....just disappear?

Well....before I tell you what is likely to work, I feel it important to share with you what does not work, and this is from hard core experience. You can first of all throw out all your notions of knowing the answers to everything, no matter if your parents were the president and first lady, or you graced the halls of Harvard, because it won't make any difference. I struggled to the bitter end to get my college degree, thinking that piece of paper would surely be proof positive that I had gained all the knowledge that was needed in order to change the world. If someone wanted to know what I learned in college, I would only be able to utter two words......discipline and perseverance. The rest I was hoping and praying was safely tucked away in long term memory for future reference.

Now with that being said, if I can no longer pretend that I know all the answers, how will I in fact do anything to help change the world? If I don't speak what I know, how can I help anyone find their way out of the maze that's put before us all? And then the answer came suddenly one day.......but, this was after my voice had been effected by my illness and it was most often impossible for me to project my most profound thoughts that would fix the world. What would happen if I chose to observe instead of being in a fix it mode? Would the earth still revolve without my imput? Would wrongs be righted if I could not speak? Could I make a difference in the world with no voice? Would comfort come to those who were sad, lost, afraid, frustrated or confused without my words?

Well......the interesting revelation that would come was wondering if the world would get along fine if I died? Would all those around me figure it all out without my presence and would life go on? Well, as much as I would like to still hang on to my knowing so much and my ability to save the world, reality sets in and reminds me.........yes, the world would get along without me. Now actually my title, "Step Away" does not really imply death of the body, as much as it has more to do with death of self. Death of what we hang on so tight to, fighting to get our way, or see the world the way we think it should be.

If we want to change the way we think about something or change our behavior, it has more to do with stepping away from what or how we've been for most of our lives. If something is not quite right, especially if you can feel it in your gut.....it doesn't automatically mean that it has to do with the outside world being at fault. In other words, at some point and time, it has to occur to each and every one of us to step away and see what part we play in not only how we think and behave, but how our thinking and behavior effects those around us.

The best way in which to do this is to stop talking or frantically trying to fix someone else's life and start looking at your own. Start today by listening more. Setting aside your iron-clad belief system in exchange for experiencing life through someone else's eyes. I promise it will open up a whole new world for you, and you'll have much more peace and joy because you're not focused on trying to fix someone else's problems. Also...when you learn to listen to others, they will notice that you are taking the time to listen, and they will in turn wonder if they are a good listener. You see the impact this has? You have in fact changed the world by listening to one person......and you did this by "stepping away."

Change a Life

It is so hard to stay positive when the world you live in has so many things to be stressed out about. Some of us knowing the moment we wake up what the day will look like. Most days I wake up wondering what sort of truck came through my bedroom and over the top of my body. I roll over, ease up, and know the minute I touch the floor what works, and what doesn't. Some days are better than others, thank goodness, and so then I move about accordingly. But, this is not supposed to be about my daily struggles, for we all have them........this is about how you choose to start your day and what sort of attitude you will carry throughout your day.

First of all, do you realize that you can have a huge impact on how someone elses day is going, and that their outlook on life could depend on your attitude and behavior? I realize that sounds like an enormous responsibility for anyone to face each day, but if it's the only thing that you are able to accomplish that day......why in the world wouldn't you try? People are beaten down by life and its pressures, whether it's an illness, death of a loved one, losing their job, struggling to make ends meet.....or just being lonely. We don't even have to know what a person has been through in order to know that how we choose to walk around could change their ability to cope on any given day.

I have become more conscious lately of those around me, whether it's the neighbor next door or the lady at the checkout counter at the store, and what they might be experiencing that day.....especially if they are not smiling or have a look of pain in their expression. My antenna reaches higher without me even knowing it, thinking about whether or not they are happy, sad, hungry, abused, lost, lonely, or sick. Wondering if they had heard one positive thing come out of anyones mouth that day, and then having the need to smile and make contact with them in some way. When I do this, it changes who that person is, for they realize that someone out in the world took the time to notice them for whatever reason.....and in turn it changes me....for my focus is not on my pain and suffering but on someone elses.

It doesn't necessarily mean that I can fix their own personal situation, but at least feeling some satisfaction inside knowing, if for only a moment, I made a difference. If they felt hopeless, worthless or pondering whether their presence on this earth meant anything to anyone......I had the power to just smile, say something positive, and walk away most often never seeing that person again. For if I am too focused on my own stuff, and allowing my life to beat me down in some way, destined to see only the negative side......then I can't make a difference.

It really doesn't take that much effort on you part to just pay attention to those around you. Sure you have plenty to think about concerning your own life struggles, but it doesn't have to completely steal your peace of mind and ability to truly realize, there are people hurting out there too.....doesn't matter if you know them or not. This is not a desire to be perfect, or not recognize that you have your own limitations in life. Honestly this is more about letting go of the need to be miserable in your own situation, and using what little energy or strength you do have to lift someone else up.

So the next time you are having a bad day, and think you have nothing to offer those around you, no matter who they are.....or just simply consumed with how things are just not right or fair in your own life.......peek outside your door. I guarantee there is someone who's day or even life could be changed by something positive and uplifting coming out of your own mouth.

Remember to always build up......not tear down, and begin to notice that even if you don't need to be noticed.....there are a million people who do.

Listening

Do you ever find yourself more interested in talking than listening? I believe this is a true epidemic in our society. For most of us believe that what we know is much more important than what someone else might know.....or our way of thinking or doing things is much more practical and progressive than the next person. What is wrong with believing, even if just for a few moments, that the next person you come across has a world of information if you bothered to ask them.....or bothered to just sit and listen? Really nothing actually, and in fact life is so much easier if you learn to take this position.....for it's effortless.

I used to think that it was my job as a coach to talk, guide, and direct in order to motivate a person to change their behavior or direction. But I found it was more about actively listening to them. There is something very profound that happens when a person is allowed to hear their own voice. They're most often able to find their own way without me saying much of anything. This of course can happen everyday with no need of professional training..........it just requires one thing. Listening instead of talking.

Now how does one actually go about learning to do this? Well, it's not all that difficult, but it does require a change of thinking about yourself. If you want to learn more on a particular subject, you would be more likely to read about it, right? Same in this instance. In order to learn more about a person, the more you need to listen, without thinking that you already have the answer, because most of the time.....you don't. You just think you do.

After all, each one of us is coming from a different place. We grew up differently, we had different parents, siblings, surroundings, circumstances.......all completely different. In fact most of our mindsets as adults stem from what we experienced as a child. And no matter what you were taught, does not automatically mean it was right and what everyone else was taught was wrong. You're just going to have varying degrees of love, conditioning, habits, mindsets, disciplining....etc.

Many of us were lacking in some areas in our growing up years, in love, approval, affection, attention, encouragement or acceptance.....and spend the rest of our lives in search of those things....often placing expectations on those around us, which we have no right to do. It was just unfortunate that those values were not placed there as a child. On the other hand, there are those of us who were taught we could do no wrong, to strive, succeed, and to push our way to the top no matter what or who got in our way. And if anything did, we had this embred sense of righteous indignation that would get us through this life. You get your way or die.

I'm aware that I've only discussed the extremes here, though much could be gained from investigating the middle ground. There are in fact individuals who were taught a balanced way of being. They were taught to love, to encourage others, to show compassion, to understand, to build others up instead of tearing them down, to not constantly question why, and to most importantly.......offer unconditional regard and acceptance. Course you might be thinking that these are things that can only be learned along the way.....and you may be right.

I believe that after a while, you eventually find what was missing from your childhood.....and learn to sift through, taking away only those things that sit well in your gut. All of us know the difference between right and wrong, and if we can stop long enough to find any sort of self awareness and change those things about ourselves that we know contribute nothing positive, then we have in fact started down the road to what it means to change the world.

So today....I will listen instead of directing.....I will listen instead of fixing....I will listen because I believe someone has something interesting and enlightening to say or contribute to my life.....I will listen because someone is experiencing something that needs to be shared....I will listen because someone is in pain...I will listen because someone is lost..........in essence.......I will just listen.

Letting Go

One of those "new age" terms that people love to toss around, but a very valuable tool when you're having to face those pesky transitional periods in your life. That place in your head that continues to store an accumulation of denials and avoidances, which after a while will only drive you nuts if they are not addressed or resolved in some way. You may have found a secret hiding place where no one will find them.....swept under the rug....in the back of the closet...... on the back burner...etc.....whatever is most convenient for you....and for the most part able to label them...."out of sight, out of mind." But of course after so long, they manage to make their way back into your conscious thinking, a gentle tapping on your shoulder......I'm still here......need to be dealt with.....denial levels are at a dangerous level. You've been successful at stashing them in your secret place for years, but unfortunately there is a lump in the middle of the room, or a closet door that won't close any longer forcing you to see that something has to change. So the term "letting go" seems more appealing right about now.....true?

I know...easier said than done. for all the stuff, either emotional, physical, or things that you've accumulated over the years that are starting to just take up space will require something of you in order to let go. It will require dicipline, setting priorities, time and courage,which most often carry with them, grieving, loss, sadness, reality and the most profound and hardest to fathom....acceptance. If any of this sounds a bit overwhelming and leaves a bad taste in your mouth, you're not alone. I have seen many people who can't even get close to thinking about letting go of anything in their life, for that would involve change of some kind. Not only change of circumstances......but change of heart, mind and spirit. After all, if you take away those things, something will happen........you might feel better.

"Letting go" is more about recognizing your need to control something, or thinking that you are in control of something. It involves another word that I haven't mentioned yet.....but I'm sure you realize is coming........FEAR. Ah yes........fear. You ask yourself....what do I have to be afraid of? Well let's see.....theres getting old, getting sick, dying, being abandoned by someone you thought loved you and would never leave you, and realizing that you will never be perfect or get everything right in this life. Oh yes, or believing that you will never make a mistake or make a bad decision. Well......I don't know about you, but I'm thinking it's time to go to my trusty places of denial again today and do some cleaning.

Now if you are well, you have the ability to collect or tuck things away for alot longer than if you're sick. You also have the strength and energy to continuously move things around either in your head, in your home, or in your secret stash of issues.......like a magician. You take inventory each week to see if you can feasibly pile on more, taking pride in your ability to do so. Like Scarlett O'hara.....I won't think about that today....I'll think about that tomorrow mentality. Well, hey......how's that working for you so far? So...I take my hat off to the ones who are well and have the energy to juggle.

Of course there is a pickle hidden in this message. You might be one of the lucky ones, who can hide, juggle, disguise and manipulate your "stuff", so you seemingly roam about the world functioning in a normal capacity, but after a while, it will have it's day, and will most likely show up in ways that are not so appealing. Stress of carrying things around or keeping them hidden or being in denial of, will start to effect your body in some way. Reality WILL set in at some point and you may not be in a position physically or emotionally to cope with the end results........illness.

Letting go can be a good thing. It may take some work on your part, but if you know that something good is at the end of clearing out your stash thats hidden, like true peace, joy, happiness, contentment, energy and the abilty too see that it does more harm to hang on so tight to things when our time here on earth is not permanent...then the journey that's left will be so much more enjoyable.

Preoccupied

Do you ever start to move in a direction with something, feeling as if you set your course for the day, but you realize something is not quite right........almost as if you left the stove on, or the car running in the garage, or you forgot to put on deodorant or something? Well, that's what I'm experiencing this morning. I am trying very hard to get quiet and focused to write, and actually did get a couple of paragraphs out a bit ago, just to have it bleeped because I lost my internet connection. That is SO maddening.......but....I'm going to look at it another way. Maybe I wasn't suppose to write about that particular subject this morning, or maybe I was putting off eating breakfast and needed to do that in order to think properly........OR....maybe my mind is preoccupied with something else, and it seems usless to write until I take care of it.....whatever "it" is.

There is something, and I have some speculations on what.........that's getting in the way of me writing, so I thought maybe the best way to handle it is to actually work it out in here. There's a novel idea for you. Do I need another cup of coffee to get this out? Hmmmm...maybe.

Well...the stove is off.....my car is not running and I have actually put on deodorant for the day......so we have that covered. So....what am I pondering, what am I holding in, what needs to be layed out on the table and sorted out? Well, actually it's several options that are staring right at me, and I'm trying to decide the best one.......and honestly I don't know which is worse, to have no options or having too many. I seem to view my life as blessed with too many options, so I don't want to appear to whine and complain here, but I do have a hard time making choices mainly because of my physical limitations. But we can talk about that later.

So.....several options....all good ones......and all a blessing if chosen.....so what gets in my way of choosing? Well, time and energy, which I think is so interesting because it's somewhat of a global issue nowadays.........is a number one priority in my life.....and honestly even if you are not sick, you might want to consider it being a priority in your own life. I do think it's important that we take time to decipher our own personal meaning of time and energy, because no matter what is said here, I'm positive that most of you will put time and energy in the "not enough of" column.

Now there are certain ways you can look at time. Usually we use the term, time contraints, which to me could either mean mandatory time constraints, or those that are self imposed for different reasons. We all need time to sleep, eat, work, take care of personal needs, or in taking care of those around us. All this is understandably placed at the top of your time list.....no way to get around it. You could very easily choose not to do these things, but I'm not sure what sort of life you would end up having in the long run. Some of us would like to believe there is leftover time to do whatever we feel like doing....read, nap, vacation, clean out a closet....etc. The point is, are you able to set aside the time, and are you able to make wise choices in how that time is spent?

The second issue is energy. Now I think most of us believe that energy is a precious commodity, at least I see it that way. I guess when you are in a constant mode of conserving it so you can use it in other ways, it quickly becomes a commodity. But there is one important element here about energy. Energy is not as available as time. You might have the time to do something, but not always the energy. I realize this sounds like a riddle and honestly I feel myself trying desperately to make a point here, so just give me "time". Which is actually a most appropriate way in which to make my point. I have the time to write this, but I can tell that my energy level is low, so the decision here is, do I want to rest and lose my train of thought, or would it be worth my time and energy to finish it while I'm on a roll?

I believe, and maybe this is the point to this whole time/energy thought....this has more to do with motives and intention. Ok...I can see I'm going to have to get the trusty webster out so we can be clear about what those mean. Motive: the inner drive or impulse to do something. Intention: the purpose or intended aim. Ok so......lately when I get ready to make a decision about something, I have to address those issues.......motive and intent. In fact it becomes more about those two things more so than the time and energy. Maybe it should have been two different blogs....maybe not, because it's clear that are all interconnected. My title was preoccupied, and make no mistake, I will continue to be preoccupied until it's very clear to me what my motive and intent is about the decisions that are before me right now. Mainly because with my own physical limitations, I can no longer afford to play around with my time and energy. Just as the world is seeing clearly that changes need to be made with fuel, means of travel, becoming more "green conscious"....etc.....I also need to make some decisions about how I want to or rather need to spend my time and energy, because I don't have alot to play around with anymore. That is my own personal reality and whether you are sick or well, we all need to see it as a precious commodity.

So while I haven't necessarily made specific decisions this morning about my current dilemma of options, choices and what is best for me personally, I will for sure spend time wisely and think about my motive and intent so that I can be at peace about how I spend what little time and energy I have left.