If Only

It is SO easy to go through life believing that outside forces get in our way of those things we believe we're supposed to have and enjoy while we're on this earth. Even basing our level of peace and happiness on things like money, location, our job, and especially on those around us and their behavior. Do any of these sound familiar?

1.if only I had more money
2.if only my spouse would give me what I need
3.if only I had a different job
3.if only I weren't sick
4.if only I were thinner
5.if only I had more discipline in my life
6.if only a loved one had not died
7.if only I had a new car
8.if only I had a child
9.if only I lived on an island

Well.....as you can see I've only mentioned 8, but there is no doubt in my mind that you could add another 20 or so. But no need for fretting, for we all do this to some degree. Of course the important thing is how much we do it, and how long we stay in that mindset. It's important to also realize that when we do focus on "if only's"......it can and will steal our ability to experience true peace and joy in our lives, because we're focus of what we think we want or need, instead of what we presently have in this moment.

Yes....this probably is another lecture on the term "living in the moment". But, I believe we can read it, think it, and even say it outloud, but it doesn't necessarily mean that we truly "get it", so that we can ultimately apply it to our everyday lives. I believe we get stuck when we see our lives as lacking in some way....that there's one magical element that will help us complete the picture to our satisfaction. The perfect mate, the job that makes us feel brilliant and successful with respect and recognition from our peers, the perfect body for others to see and envy, the new fancy car that makes us look like we have an abundance of money and the perfect life.........you want me to go on?

Now, first up.......there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting or having these things, but I think the trick here, is to be satisfied with what you have instead of believing that those things will solve life's struggles or frustrations. We spend time praying, asking, or wishing for a particular thing or person, and most often receive it, but instead of relishing or appreciating the fact that you've received it, you're on to the next thing, never really feeling satisfied or content with what you have in front of you. I'm asking myself at this moment, is that all there is to life.....striving, wishing, expecting the next thing that will hopefully fulfill my life to my satisfaction? If that's our reality, then do we actually reach a point where we have all our baskets full and overflowing, wanting for nothing?

Well, of course that would be the ultimate.....being able to say to yourself, "I'm completely satisfied, and can finally be content with what I have in front of me". But in fact, if you stay in the land of the If Only's.......you will never experience that level of contentment. It's as if you completely forget the days, months, or years before this moment, you were asking, wishing, or praying for this particular thing you felt would bring you happiness, joy, or fulfillment. You received it, but forgot to recognize or express gratefulness that you received it......so you're on to the next thing. I'm sure you've heard the expression, be careful what you ask for, you may surely get it............well, it's true. It reminds you to search for the meaning and truth behind your desires in life. Is it what you truly believe is missing in your life, or something that you see other's experience, and think you need to follow suit?

My point? To pay careful attention to those moments of seeking the next thing, wondering "if only" my life were different, better.....whatever you see that's missing in your life, and begin to notice those things that are right in front of you......the prayers, wishes, desires that you dreamed of having, and have in fact already received. For being in a constant state of appreciating "what is" in your life, will ultimately open the door to what comes next for you, not the "if only's". Wondering, speculating, and expecting because you are unhappy with the present moment, is completely different than wondering, speculating and expecting good things to come just because they're good things...period.

I wonder what would happen if you practiced gratefulness for this very moment, soaking up every inch of already receiving what you asked for, and knowing that it's ok to desire certain things for your future, but not believing that "one" thing is what will make sense of your world and provide the love, happiness, peace and joy you need so badly.

What Is It?

Is there something bugging you lately? Something you wish you could stand on a podium in the middle of main street somewhere and shout it out, whatever it is? Did you wake up this morning wondering, what in the heck am I doing? Is this my life, or did I just get caught up in something that seemed right, and decided to settle? Did I venture down a road because of loneliness, impatience, confusion...etc? Did I say yes to something for the wrong reasons? Do I continue to say yes because all hell would break loose if I stood up and said what I really feel? Or because I would be left lone, naked and vulnerable, if I really spoke the truth?

Yikes......heavy stuff for a Monday morning, but I think we all at some point have this very conversation in our heads. I think this, if anything, falls under the umbrella of normalcy. We backtrack wondering if the right decision was made, or if we're wasting our time, or our lives, with doing something we really don't want to do. We start wondering if our motives or intentions were in line, whether we were living in truth, instead of giving in to something or someone. We wondered at the time if we were up to the challenge, whatever it was, but instead of waiting, learning patience, or getting more information, we decided to take a nose-dive, hoping and praying we would be ok.

So.....we went down a road......even though there were no clear signs to guide us, usually because there wasn't anything else better that came along, so we settled. We felt lost, confused, with no focus or purpose.....looking and searching for that situation that would make us "feel" right, good, or complete. If there were any red flags that flew up, we ignored them completely. Didn't matter what they were, how they made us feel, what they involved......we decided to continue. We didn't take into consideration where the road might lead, what we might have to face, or if maybe we should re-think the whole situation........still made the choice to move ahead no matter what.

Just in case you're wondering, this IS in fact the most appropriate time to ask yourself, what is it? What is it that I jumped into without thinking? What was it I said yes to, when I knew in my gut I was saying it for the wrong reasons? What do I expect to happen if I continue down this road without really looking at my true and real reasons for being here? How does my uncertainty about my decision actually affect those around me?

Now you may not have clarity right now about what it is that's gnawing at your gut, or maybe you're one of the lucky or more fortunate people who have a gut that is in fact at peace, with no regret, no fear, no worry, not wondering if you are in fact going down the right path. That's very admirable, but I still believe if you are human, you're going to be at some time in your life, faced with the fact that you made an unwise decision. You know what.....it's ok....it really is. It's even ok if you've made more than one, if not many. That, in fact, is part of the human condition.........just part of life. It's not my place, or anyone elses to place judgement on those decisions, I'll leave that up to God. I've made enough of my own to keep me from pointing the finger outward.

My point here is not to make you feel bad, or to encourage you to spend the day searching for something to question yourself about, or to beat yourself up for maybe jumping into something you weren't quite ready for, or for settling for something instead of waiting. There is really no way to completely safeguard yourself from making mistakes, so you might as well embrace the ones you made, no matter how serious they were, because it's done and over with. Trust me, if there were a way in which to go back and repair some of the damage I've done over the past several years, I would at least try, but since that's not possible, I'll move ahead with at least making an attempt to see clearly, my motives and intentions in making my future decisions. I will make it a point to watch and beware of red flags that speak of warning up ahead, take the time to see what I'm trying to satisfy in making a particular decision, or ultimately, how my decision will not only affect my life, but those around me that I love the most.

So if you're brave enough to ask yourself this morning.....what is it? Then you've been able to do something that a lot of people will never do or want to do.....stop in the middle of the road, take a deep breathe, and just simply ask yourself, am I sure this is the direction I want to go? Does this road speak the truth about who I really am, my desires, my goals, my beliefs, my faith in God? Or does it simply say I'll choose this road because it seems right, it's got some good perks, or it will make people think I know what I'm doing?

I'll leave these questions for you to ponder, even on a Monday morning.

What Do You Want?

Wow.....what a question huh? I bet when you read those words, you are so surprised that someone even asked you, you're not quite sure what to think, or how to respond, right? I'm sure many things come to mind like, more money, a new job, a soulmate, a house, a new car, to lose weight......and the list goes on. It's interesting that most of these things fall under the "stuff" category, as opposed to some non-tangible item, like peace, joy, contentment, better attitude, more patience, more understanding, and a spirit of forgiveness or giving to others. In a world that tries to make you feel like you need to want or buy the next thing in order to be happy and fulfilled, it's hard to think about those non-tangibles. We live in a society where stuff means you're successful, stuff means you're cool to those around you, stuff means you're safe from anything bad happening to you. Well...I hate to tell you this, but according to my friend Webster, he believes the word stuff to mean; worthless objects; refuse; junk. If you don't believe me....look for yourself.

Now you can see why he is my most trusted associate, because if there's any question in my mind about the true meaning behind a word, I know he is the one to ask. There is usually no beating around the bush, no speculating on my part, or twisting it to fit the occasion.......he gets right to the point. So.....without further ado......I'll get right to the point about stuff. Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting certain things while you're here......especially a nice home, a nice car, a good and faithful spouse, children to raise and enjoy, so I'm not determined to rain on your parade here, but only to help you stop and think about those things that are most important to you while you're here on this earth. After all, I do believe that God has wonderful things for us all to experience while we're here, but he also wants to make sure we focus our attention and desires on those things that are the most meaningful.....those things that last, and those things that bring us the most contentment and joy.

Seems like this would be a very easy thing to do during this time of recession, and honestly I have seen some areas where people have made some changes. And you can tell from all the reports on our economy, that people are starting to re-think what they want, and what they buy. Of course it would be nice for people to assess their real true needs without being forced to because of a recession, but that's another subject we'll save for later. So whether you feel forced to see things differently, or want to because you yourself have caught a glimpse of desiring too much stuff, it doesn't really matter. What really matters at this moment is for you to just sit with the question.......what do you want, and see what comes up for you.

I believe that we allow society to dictate what we should want and have.....all you have to do is turn on the television and see that. And it's very easy to get caught up in what people around you are doing, buying, experiencing.....etc.....believing that you are supposed to follow suit, whether you have the money or not. If you don't have the money in front of you, then get a credit card.....free money when you want it right? Well....we both know the real answer to that one. All the "stuff" looks really good, and you feel you work hard, and deserve whatever it is that suits your fancy. A bigger television, a nicer car, a bigger house, fancy clothes, dining out whenever you want to.......the list goes on and on. So in fact your life becomes more about what you can accumulate, than being satisfied with what you already have. You've been tricked into thinking, more is more......so you seek more stuff. All in the hopes of "fitting in", and looking successful to those around you. It becomes all about how you "appear" to the outside world, not about who you really are. The stuff that you accumulate does not and never will equal who you are as a person.

I know.....another "ouch" subject. And the only reason why I can write this at all, is because I am quite often privy to so many people that are so wrapped up in their stuff, or accumulating more stuff, and what it takes for them to have it, and are completely stressed out because of what it takes in order for them to keep up with it all. I'm sorry but that makes absolutely no sense to me at all. If you have to completely wear yourself out in order to have the money to have or to keep your stuff, when or how are you able to enjoy anything at all?

So ask yourself some questions here. What difference would it make if I decided to let something go that is not really a neccessity? What would happen to my stress level if I just stopped spending money on those things that are not really needed in order for me to get through this next week, month, or year?What would happen to my level of peace and joy if I let go of trying to keep up with my friends or peers and just said no? Wonder what it would be like to wake up and not be worried about what I want and can't have, and thought about what I do have and experienced a comfortable state of mind?

I can tell you one thing that would happen, that you probably have not considered. You making conscious decisions to look at your life differently, so that you're not constantly worried and stressed out, will make a huge statement to those around you....... because whether you believe this or not, most of your friends and peers are going through the same exact thing, and don't have the courage to say......no more.

So, I will ask you again........What Do You Want?

Nurturing Self

We all understand what it means to nurture a child or a plant. Protecting both as they grow and mature, both needing certain things in order to survive, as well as things that will allow them to flourish. Sometimes they need very specific things in order to grow, like certain foods, sunshine, and protection from the elements in life. I believe we are all aware that if both are left alone and not attended to, would suffer in many ways, or sometimes die. They are pretty much dependent on outside help in order to survive.

Of course there are in fact basic needs that we require in order to survive........we pretty much know what those are. Water, food, sleep, shelter for starters, but what about those things that help us sustain a quality of life that is very individual in nature? Some of us need a certain amount of sleep, time to be quiet and still, time to be around other people, or simply time to be in our own space, apart from the busyness of life. We have to consider the fact that all of us came from a different environment, experienced different parents, siblings, lifestyles, attitudes....etc. We might all appear to be in human form, with the ability to talk, walk, work, love.....whatever, but if you get beyond those obvious appearances, we couldn't be more different. And as we grow, age, and develop very particular behaviors, mindsets, attitudes, likes, dislikes, beliefs.......we also develop ways in which to function in the world with others.

There is unfortunately a drawback here, in that with recognizing where we came from and what we've experienced, there is always this inherent need to be like everyone else......to fit in. No one really likes to stand out, whether they are disabled, sick, deaf, blind, mentally challenged, poor.....whatever the case may be, we all just want to fit into what most of us believe to be "normal". Even though I'm not so sure any of us really have a clear understand of what normal is.......just suffice it to say, we've been taught along the way that normal does exit.

So what happens when you want to fit into this place of being normal, but find there is something about yourself that needs special attention in order for that to happen? Say you were raised in a house with an angry and loud father, that made you shudder whenever he walked into your house. It might bother you to be around anyone who has a loud voice, so you avoid those situations. Or you might not be able to hear in a group whats being said, because your hearing is not so good, you just sit quietly, or you pretend you hear whats being said. Sometimes there can be physical pain and suffering of some kind that won't allow you to sit and visit with someone. Whatever the case may be, you need to allow yourself to do whatever is needed in order to take care of yourself, sometimes and most often regardless of what others think or feel about you.

Some of us enjoy and thrive on being around other people, but then there are those who are drained completely by being around others. The point is, no matter where you came from, what you've been through, or what your present situation is, there are certain things you need to do for yourself, that nurtures and cares for you individually. It doesn't matter the reason, you just arrange your life, and make decisions accordingly as your body needs.

Just as you eat when you're hungry, sleep when you're tired....etc........you work your life around what your mind, body and spirit needs. Doesn't necessarily mean you can leave work when you feel like it, or take off a week when you get the notion. There are many ways you can learn to incorporate self care into your daily work schedule, it's just a matter of being creative. It's very easy to find out and be more aware of what is lacking in the self-care department, making adjustments along the way with your diet, how often you eat, what time you go to bed, how you spend your weekends.....etc. All of these are things that allow you to do what is required, yet makes changes in order to be at your best, instead of walking around depleted each day.

Keeping in mind, your body is most often completely different than the next person, so don't start playing the comparison game, because it will get you nowhere. Start with where you are at this moment, and be aware of what needs you have that aren't being met, and what you can do to change that. Of course the trick is, not allowing someone elses opinion about your needs get in your way of what you know is the truth. Nobody knows your body better than you and what it needs at any given time. Our bodily functions are not on the same time frame.......a good thing to keep in mind.

If you expect to have a certain quality of life, sick or well, rich or poor, educated or uneducated, doesn't really matter......it's going to take a realization that each one of us are different, most often quite different, and have different needs at different times of our lives. Do what is right for you, by saying yes or no when you need to, spend as much time as you need in your own space being quiet and still, and allow others to do the same. If someone doesn't understand your need to do what is right for you, then let them deal with it however they need to deal with it, but at least you are being true to yourself and what you need to live your best life.

Living in Fear

Do you believe that you spend a majority of your time living in fear? If you do, have you tried to figure out where that fear comes from.......the basis......the root, it's true meaning? Sometimes I don't believe we're even aware that fear is the problem. The hesitancy, reluctance, or avoidance of making a decision, we own up to protecting ourselves from something or someone we believe could possibly cause us harm. Or we could have lived around that fear or uncertainty as a child. Overbearing parents who had a tendency to look on the negative side of life.........those bad things that could happen, as opposed to all the good that life has to offer. Or not helping you realize that bad things will, and do happen everyday, and instilling confidence that you will find the wisdom to work through those bad times. It's how they lived their life, so it seems only appropriate they pass that fear onto you, in hopes of protecting you.

Well, no matter where it comes from, I am convinced it's not the way that God intended us to live, even with knowing there are bad people and bad situations in the world that will challenge us each day. Does that mean you're to walk around totally oblivious to those things? No, but it does mean there needs to be a level of acceptance of the human condition, the reality of good and bad, and that no matter what you think, feel, do, or try to prepare for, you cannot go through a lifetime without going through something that is not so pleasant. Of course at the same time it doesn't mean you have to go looking for it either.

Ah.....there it is...plain and simple. "Go looking for it." The fear is the knowing it's there, whatever the pain, hurt, loss, devastation is.........you know it's out there just waiting to swoop you up, churn you into bits, and spit you out. And there you are, left for dead, with no hopes of recovering. So the issue here is not that we can ignore the possibility of things going wrong, because as I said, there is always the possibility. The issue is learning to focus on all the wonderful things that could happen if you let go of the fear.

I can already hear you saying to yourself, "Well, I want to, but I just can't...or sounds like a great idea, but not something I can do." So in other words, you would rather continue to brace yourself for the bad, saying no to many things you would love to say yes to, simply because of fear?

Maybe it would help if you were able to rid your thoughts of the what if's. What if I get involved with this person and they leave me? What if I invest my money into something and it goes south? What if I get sick, and lose my ability to work? What if someone I love gets cancer and dies? What if my husband or wife leaves me? What if I lose my job? What if I get old? What if I need help? As you can see, we could sit here all day long, adding to this list of what if's, but where would it get you? Nowhere.

Now granted all of the things I listed above are in fact things that could happen.......but there is a huge difference in could and will. Just like there's a big difference between fear of something, and concern for something. Fear implies dread, involves anxiety and agitation of an impending threat, whereas concern is a matter of interest or importance to one. Fear is pessimistic and lacks trust, where concern is optimistic, hopeful, and very willingly offers trust. Big difference.

So, with all this being said, there is actually some choice involved here in whether you want to live your life from a place of fear, or live it with trusting and believing for the best. And since we've already covered the issues of "bad things will happen", and living in a place of "what if's", all that's really left is trusting yourself to choose the best answer for you. Maybe you could ask yourself how much it costs you each day to live in fear, and what difference it would make if you were able to walk around and actually enjoy all the good things that life has to offer.

Just remember, whether you believe this or not, those around you are taking note of your fear, even though you think you're keeping it well hidden. There is always someone around who needs to see hope, trust, faith and promise of good things to come...........wouldn't it be awesome if you were able to pass that on as a gift?

Forgiveness

Probably one of the hardest things to do in this life, so let's take it apart and see if we can defuse the fear and anxiety that learning to forgive brings. Forgive: to overlook; to cancel; stop being angry. You notice here, the definition says nothing about what the circumstances are, or reason why you need to forgive, it simply defines the word. But of course you already know we can't just leave it at that. We all really understand to a degree what it means, but understanding the meaning and actually doing it are two totally different things.

So let's start from scratch here, realizing that most of us have someone, at some point, that did or said something, that we just cannot get past, or more appropriately, forgive. And of course there will be varying degrees of what was done, but for me it doesn't matter what was done......what matters is, figuring out a way to forgive. One thing to keep in mind, is that when you don't forgive, it really ends up hurting you more than anyone else. We think our decision to not forgive punishes, hurts, or convicts the other peron, when most often it allows something to settle in your own gut thats hard to live with. Unforgiveness steals your ability to have peace and joy in your life, because you've chosen to punish someone.

The root of unforgiveness stems from expectations we put on ourselves, and others. Oh yes.......there is plenty of room here for the inability to forgive ourselves. But no matter, someone said or did something that we believe was not right, uncalled for, beyond understanding, and by rights, should be punished. The problem with this thinking is, we expect ourselves, as well as others, to be perfect......and I'm sorry to tell you this, but we are all far from being perfect, and never will be. Because of that, we will always be in a situation where we will either disappoint or be disappointed ourselves.......there's no way to get around it. I wish I could tell you differently......but I can't. People (including ourselves) will continue to do and say things that are not right, and stuff is going to happen beyond our control, where in the end we are hurt, betrayed, lied to, cheated on, disappointed....etc. I wish I could stop there....but the list does go on.

This is a fallen world, and we are capable of many things.........some things not so appalling, some that are beyond appalling, let's face it, we see it on the news everyday. And remember, every once in a while you will see speckled amongst those people who have been severely wronged, one person who has chosen to forgive the most incredible act. I sit there wondering how on earth could they do that? Are they insane, in shock? No. They realize that stuff happens like that all the time, and there is no rhyme or reason at all, nothing to try and figure out, it just IS. They remember, there is no law that says bad things will not happen to them. There was no stamp or sticker slapped on their back that gives them a pass go ticket, where no pain, sorrow, suffering or devastation will touch them.

I know, rude awakening.....and if I had the power I would give all those I know and love a sticker that kept them from all the hurt and pain in the world. But I cannot. The only thing I can do, is to help someone recognize their own shortcomings, their own not so perfect behaviors, comments, actions...etc....so that they can see there is no room for judging others for theirs. There is however room for love and acceptance. Doesn't mean you have to like a person, or keep them in your life, especially if what they are doing is very damaging to you. It only means that you will remember that "stuff" happens, and there are people who do bad things........no matter the degree. Some doing things they're not even aware of........or in a situation or place in their life where they will never be able to change what they're doing.

So as you can see, your inability to forgive someone, is more about you, instead of what they did or said to you. You're the one that will carry the hurt and the bad feelings around, so much so that it will get in your way of being able to truly love, have peace, enjoy your life, or love others fully and completely.

Look deeply into your own heart, and see if there is someone, somewhere, that you need to forgive. For you might think that you have it tucked away so no one can see, but think again. Your behavior, actions, and stance in life will speak volumes, without you even knowing it. Someone in your life, most often someone you would rather not hurt, will either pick up on, or be affected by your inability to forgive........and will not feel safe in handing their heart over to you for safe keeping.

Just remember, if you choose to forgive, those around you will follow suit. What an awesome wave to start.

Are You Withholding?

No....I'm not talking about withholding taxes here, but more in the vein of withholding thoughts and feelings towards something or someone. Webster, by now you realize, has become a most important colleague of mine, states simply the meaning of withholding. To hold back; keep back ;or restrain. Now when you read that, it implies that it's something that you yourself are in control of.......simply keeping something for yourself, and not allowing someone else access to that something. And again for my particular purposes here, I'm going to remain in that vein of feelings.

Now it's not as important here as to what sort of feelings you're withholding from someone, but why you've chosen to withhold them. There could be many reasons, such as fear, anger, resentment, bitterness, or my own personal favorite reason........punishment. Yes indeedy....punishment. Something we can't imagine we could inflict on anyone besides a gentle prodding of a child to do right, and we'll leave capital punishment up to the courts. Let's stick with recognizing how sometimes we withhold feelings from those that we are closest to, because we believe we have been wronged by that person in some way.

In this sense, the withholding stems from unresolved feelings that have not been expressed......and we've simply chosen to hang onto them thinking that the person we're withholding from, will be punished in someway. We're hoping or thinking that they won't notice, or realize we are punishing them......but after a while, they will discover your game. And I'm not talking about bad people here, but most often the ones who we see as well intended, and would never think badly or inflict any sort of pain onto someone else. Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this.......but that is usually the case. However, there is a flipside to this, that may help you understand instead of being appalled.

Keep in mind that most often, the person who is withholding, is not aware of this. I know, you're asking yourself how absurd is that? But just stick with me here, and we'll try to find some clarity. The case most often, is the person who is withholding, is not aware that's what they're doing, because the hurt inside is so deep and imbedded. If you choose not to deal with those feelings that pop up and eat at your gut, they will manifest themselves in some other way. It's almost a safety valve for your heart. You've set it up in hopes that it will protect you from being hurt, sad, devastated...etc. And if something flips that valve, the damn will break, and you will never recover from the hurt and pain of what was experienced. Make sense?

All pretty deep stuff when you think about it, but ultimately it causes or inflicts pain on those you love the most. Your craftiness usually ends up not only hurting those around you.......but most significantly hurting yourself. It keeps you from fully experiencing life, love, and how God intended us to be on this earth. Remember now, it was never promised that we were put here to be perfect, or that we would never suffer pain, no matter the form. We were put here to love and be loved, period. Not to seek or demand perfection in others, but to love them for who they are.....because honestly, they are a part of us. They were put here for the same reasons you were, and are entitled to experience those good things that were promised.

You cannot fully and completely love someone if you are either choosing to withhold, or are just now realizing that's what you're doing. It's so easy to walk around this life pointing the finger, judging others for things that most often you are guilty of yourself. Or judging for something they may have done or said, that they aren't even aware of.........again.......none of us are perfect.

With all this being said, please take time to check your gut and see if there is something deep that you need to let out. If you don't express it, how will anyone know, for we weren't given the gift to read minds. Ask yourself this question. What would it feel like if someone you loved was withholding something from you? It would not feel like love right? It would feel like punishment. That someone you love is punishing you for something, and you don't even know what it is. How cruel is that.....and more importantly, what can be gained? For if you think that withholding or punishing someone will protect your heart.........think again.

So you can withhold, punish, whatever you want to call it, but most often you're the one that will end up suffering, because you have chosen to focus on your hurt, instead of what God intended .......peace, love, joy, contentment, and compassion for those around us. I would rather my heart be broken and allowed to heal, instead of pretending it had never been broken at all.