Dealing With Disappointment

This is obviously a subject that hits home for most of us. It seems each day brings with it new areas to navigate, figure out, endure, or brainstorm just to get through, somehow leaving us feeling slighted in some way. Even when we do feel we've reached some resolution, a subtle hint of injustice is left behind, especially if we've been hurt. Doesn't matter the situation, our righteous indignation steps in and assures us that we are right in the way we feel, and no one can tell us otherwise.

So why are we so disappointed when things don't work out the way we expected and completely knocked off our present course? Why is it so important to hang on to understanding why things happen the way they do, thinking that if we do, it will result in peace, or the person that you believe hurt you will be punished in some way? I suppose it depends on what didn't work out, whether a relationship was broken, the raise we were due went to someone else, or you didn't get to do something you were really looking forward to. One just as important as the next, but still not important enough to ponder each day until bitterness and resentment set in.

Whether you believe this or not, you can walk around with your disappointment until the cows come home, waking up each morning believing you were right, while someone else was wrong, and it eventually gets you one place for sure.......nowhere. And it's important to realize it really does nothing to the situation or person that you believe slighted you in some way, but it does affect your ability to wake up each day and feel peace, joy, and a sense of contentment. I believe most often, even if someone gives you an apology or there is some logical explanation for why something didn't turn out the way you thought, you still have the tendency to hang on for dear life the disappointment that you feel.

I'm wondering what ever happened to forgiveness, understanding, or giving people the benefit of the doubt, no matter the circumstances. For what could possibly be gained by continuing to punish ourselves or others, for if you harbor ill will, it will affect your relationships because people will more often than not, pick up on the resentment and choose not to be around you. Bitterness, anger, and resentment are hard emotions to be around, and take a tremendous amount of energy to hang onto.

So when things don't work out the way you thought they would, whether you are satisfied with the explanation or not.........let it go. The only thing that asking why brings is discontent and dissatisfaction which in the end will steal whatever peace and joy you're able to grab hold of in this life. If possible, maybe you could see the whole experience as something you were suppose to learn about yourself. Things like patience, the true meaning of forgiveness, or understanding there are so many other things at work when you don't get what you want or feel you deserved.

Remember it's not why you have the disappointments, because you WILL have them......it's how you handle them. It's important to see that nothing is gained by pointing the finger outward, hanging onto righteous indignation and determination to punish, but learning to let go of believing the world and those in it are perfect. Expectations yield one thing......disappointment.

Are You Seeking Perfection?

I don't know which is more damaging to the human spirit.......expectations we put on others, or the ones we place on ourselves. I do believe however, the reason why we put so many expectations on others, is because we are in fact falling short of living up to our own. Seems a bit twisted, but either way this is about seeking perfection, which unfortunately will never happen. We can strive to do the right thing, so we can at least go to bed at night without a guilty conscience, but even that will not be awarded the prize of perfection. When I see people seeking some level of perfection......to the point that it starts affecting them in a negative way, I often ask them "who" is keeping score? It's as if they feel someone standing behind them daily with a check list, making note of when they fail to live up to par. Of course again, my question is, who are "they?"

Does it have something to do with how much money you have, how many titles you have behind your name, or if you have been recognized in the community as being the best at something? Does it have to do with constantly comparing ourselves with others, who seem to have "made it", or rather appeared to have made it? They appeared to have accomplished something that you believe was on your list of goals, or that looks good and you decided that you must have that for yourself. Of course you see what happens after a while. It becomes all about you, and what you are doing, as opposed to doing something to benefit others, and in the process, brings with it the feelings of accomplishment. There is a big difference if you really take the time to figure it out.

I know this because years ago, when I decided I wanted to be in the helping profession, from that point on it was all about me. All about the title I would get behind my name, the recognition for the career I had chosen, being respected in the community, and of course most importantly, how much money I would make. In other words, self was more important than those that I might be helping along the way...... expectations I had put on myself, because I saw something that someone else had that I wanted very badly. Unfortunately, as I was on my journey to fulfilling those most important goals I had set for myself, I ran myself into a ditch, so in fact had to start thinking differently about myself, those around me, and what I could actually do with my body exactly the way it was. Needless to say, I continued to have those expectations for myself, and the more I tried to force my body to accomplish those original goals........the worse I got. Something had to give.

After a while, I realized that no matter how badly I wanted those things, I was not going to get them, so I had to start to change my way of thinking about myself, and what it was I was trying to do in this life. So the expectations had to change.....not some......but drastically. I had to realize there was actually no one behind me keeping score, nor was it appropriate to question why someone out there was accomplishing my goals in the way I had planned. I realized just by me wanting what they had, was no different than a child being jealous of another child that just rode by on the bike they wanted for themselves, going home and asking why they can't have it, and how much they wanted it. Having those feelings of not being good enough, or loved enough, or what they were doing wrong to keep their parents from giving them the new bike. After all, the new bike would make them look good. Other children would envy them, and that was a good feeling for them. It would mean their parents had a lot of money, that they were more loved, or that they deserved it because they lived up to their parents expectations.

Again.......it becomes all about the child. Of course when you're a child, you don't fully realize what you're doing, and what would hopefully be learned is, you are loved by your parents no matter what, and that you might not have a new bike of your own, but it doesn't mean that you might not get one a bit later, so the child learns patience. Or you learn to appreciate your old bike and feel lucky, because there are children who don't have a bike at all. Or that it's not a good idea to envy what others have because if you can't get it, you will be overwhelmed with any future disappointments in life.

Now obviously this was not supposed to be about a new bike, but I think it was a good way in which to make a good point. I believe we wear ourselves out with expectations, of which some will never be met of ourselves or for others.......and more importantly, there is a chance of continuing to be dissatisfied with your life if you constantly compare yourself with those around you. Whatever they have or no matter how they got it has nothing to do with your life and what you were meant to have......keeping in mind that the person you might be trying to mimic doesn't necessarily have their intent, motive, or heart in the right place.......they just happen to have the "stuff" that looks good to you.

Do You Live in Fear?

Fear is one of the most debilitating conditions there is.....bar none. It seems that everyone lives with some level of fear, whether it's fear of being abandoned, fear that someone close to you will die, that you will die, that the world will disintegrate before our very eyes, that you will become very ill and lose control physically or emotionally, that your spouse will leave you for another, that your child will be struck by a car, that you will lose all your money,...........you want me to go on? Of course I'm not absolutely sure, but I would venture to say that you've probably come across some, if not all of the circumstances above that would cause you to fear. These are all scary situations that none of us want to go through or experience. Some of them not so bad.......some that would totally devastate anyone that had any real feelings at all.



I believe what goes on when we experience fear is, for one moment we recognize how vulnerable we all are on this earth......and what little control we have over what goes on. Sure, we can control what we eat, what we wear, where we live, what we listen to, etc...... and daily make it a point to prove we have control over those things. But, when the lights are out and we are alone with our thoughts, or when we are actually faced with something we thought we would never have to deal with, it becomes very clear that we really do have little control over what happens to us or around us.



Trust me, just writing that paragraph is enough to remind me again, I have no real control over what happens to me, my neighbors, my children, my family, or ultimately the future. It's as if I have thrown myself onto a roulette wheel, spinning around to settle where ever I happen to land.......and I can either give into the fear of not really knowing where that might be, or I can be at peace that no matter where I land, that I will be able to survive and be happy.



I try to practice something each day that I learned several years ago, and it actually seems to help me trust and have faith that everything is as it will be. I play the worst case scenario game. I act as if the worst has happened, whether I'm short on money, never get healed, or the absolute worst thing, which I would have to say is losing one of my children. What will happen to me if those happen, and more importantly, how will I handle it? Well, of course I can speculate, saying that I would be alright with no money, for some solution would arrive, or that there is no doubt that losing a child would push me over the edge and that would surely be the end of me. These are all simply speculations, when in reality, I have no clue as to what would happen to me if these things happened. My point is, playing the "what if" game will only guarantee you will live in fear...period.



So if I am to live in this world, with all the things that could possibly happen, how can I not be completely consumed with the fear? Or more importantly, how can I help the world stay away from speculating what will happen to them beyond this exact moment? I can encourage you to replace the fear with a recognition of what is happening on this particular day, and how you in fact can change the direction of the world just by your attitude. If I am on a plane that is going down, I would want to be around someone who is sitting quietly praying, not jumping around screaming, thinking that will surely keep the plane from crashing.......and that is in no way saying that this world is doomed, and we need to just sit and accept that fact. I'm only stating that you can either choose to hang onto the chaos and fear, or the people who choose to live in chaos and fear, or you can make it a point to choose wisely those people in your life that will build you up, comfort you, try to understand and accept you without judgement or ridicule, and of course more importantly, you can choose to become one of those people who recognize the good in others, and realize the power of positive comments and kindness.



Life is way to short, and time is precious. Much too precious to dwell on what you don't have or what could happen as opposed to all the good things to experience in this life. So I believe a sure fire way in which to stay away from fear each day, and I'm speaking fear of the unknown, is to learn to live in the moment. And you can think this is another new age flower child speaking, or a miss mary sunshine who really doesn't understand what true pain and suffering is all about.....but of course you would be very wrong.

So what if you could change the world by transforming your fear into gratefulness for what is.....and what could be? And just remember, fear and desperation cause the world to become stagnant. When you live in fear and focus on the negative in life, that permeates the minds of those around you. When you live in love, hope, kindness and appreciation for those people and things around you.....it ultimately changes the energy of the earth. Talk about going green!!!!!

"Do You Need to Change On the Inside?"

I wonder why people are so afraid of change. They see that something is not quite right, but surely whatever it is could not be caused by themselves. For it's so much easier to be irritated about something or someone, and immediately point the finger outwards instead of inward. Righteous indignation is something I believe we are born with, but I do see that some go a bit overboard with the theory that their peace and happiness would surely show up if "that" person or "that" situation would change. They are after all nearly perfect and well intended, so why do they need to change?

I can only say this because I've been in that particular seat myself , so easily distracted by what someone is not providing in the way of my own personal gain of happiness and contentment. It never occurred to me that those are things that are found by searching your own gut and soul, as opposed to the outside world going through a transformation that we feel is badly needed. After all, isn't it "their" responsibility to make my world a better place in which to live? How could I ever possibly be happy if those things don't change to suit me and the world doesn't begin to act in a way that is pleasing to me?

Now I'm sorry, but when I scroll up and reread what was just written, I only see someone that is focused on self, which thank God I finally realized through the years it brought nothing but unhappiness and discontent. It seemed to be more important to me to make sure that people stayed in line with what I thought was right and appropriate instead of learning that every single person on this earth is different for a reason. God made us that way because it would be pleasing to Him, not because He thought it would be entertaining to watch me lose my mind trying to make everyone like me.

We are all coming from a different place. A different situation, family, and environment as children, so it stands to reason we will all be coming to the table as adults with different ideas, motivations and a sense of what is right and wrong. So why would I or anyone else be so appalled with a person's behavior, when it doesn't fall under what we ourselves have experienced through our lifetime, or what we have come to believe falls under right or wrong? I wonder quite often if those things that we stand in judgement of in others, is not something that we are actually afraid of displaying ourselves.........and maybe that's where change can actually take place within us all.

I have tried something myself lately, that has helped me be more understanding and tolerant of others, which as you will see, required the one thing we all run away from.....change. The moment I see something that seems odd to me, whether it's someone's behavior, way of speaking, attitude or stance in life, and start playing that judgemental tape in my head of........they are wrong, how can they do that or say that, or don't they see my way is better or right........I immediately pretend I am catching my reflection in the mirror, where it doesn't become about that person, but about me. Now I'm sure by now, you've either walked away from this, or either built up your righteous indignation professing to be far off from my theory of change......but just stick with me here for a moment. I assure you it's not as painful as you might think, and could actually help you find a level of peace and contentment you never thought possible. And of course more importantly you won't feel like you fall under the wuss or martyr category in order to have it.

You have noticed lately that people are changing their light bulbs to those new long lasting energy saving light bulbs, which as hard as it was for me to conform to......I did actually buy them and start using them. They put off a different sort of light that I didn't particularly care for, but if it saved me money and lasted longer, I would give into them. Now keep in mind, I truly understand that changing light bulbs is a lot easier than our thoughts or behaviors that have been ingrained in us for many years, but if it saves you from the energy that it takes to hang onto a righteous indignation attitude, and pointing the finger, wouldn't you want to at least try it on for size?

Change is hard, I will completely admit to that, especially if we're talking about change within the self, and it takes either a person who is completely fed up with their life the way it is, or someone who was forced to change because they had no choice due to an illness. No matter the case, it's still something we fight tooth and nail, and I didn't realize how hard I fought change of many things until I myself was faced with an illness. My focus of what was wrong with the outside world and those who lived in it, only made my physical symptoms worse, not better. So something had to give. I could physically feel it when I would even attempt to point my finger in someone's direction, and had to, after much work, realize that it in fact took more energy for me to get upset about the outside, than to change something about myself on the inside.

It's not important that we all understand what goes on in those judgemental tapes we have hidden in our minds, we all really know what our "stuff" is.....and we either like what we see or we don't......and honestly I believe we all truly understand that it's not about the outside world changing to suit us, but about how much work it will take for us to see things differently. For it's not really about me always being perfectly content and happy with the world, but learning to accept it sometimes just the way it is, and the people that we come across each day.

So if you find yourself constantly searching for peace and happiness from those people and circumstances around you and not being satisfied, you might as well shoot for something that might very well work.........change of "self."

Time To Slow Down

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel those around them spiraling out of control? I hear stories from so many people, even those that are very sick, constantly trying to keep up.....and my question is.....who are they trying to keep up with? I believe that people usually try and keep up with a pace that is set by the world, even though it's not really clear how or when it was set up. I do know that the pace is completely different from as recent as the 80's and 90's when I raised my children. Maybe it was the computer, video machines, or mobile phones, or maybe it was a combination of several different things happening. Mothers were more content to stay at home, whereas now they feel compelled to seek an outside job.

The usual excuse for this is there is no way that a family can live on the income of one person in the household. Even though I think the reason for this is all the stuff we feel like we have to have in order to function. I could come up with a long list of things that none of us absolutely have to have, and that cost a considerable amount of money. However, the real question remains, why do we think we need all the gadgets and toys to survive? While some of them are nice to have, they do in fact cost money, and they encourage us to incorporate multi tasking into our already busy lives. So how in the world can one slow down when we put so much importance on those things we don't really need?

I would encourage everyone to sit down and make a list of the things you pay for each month that if you didn't have, you could still actually survive. That the only reason you have them is because everyone else has them, and you don't want to seem out of place in today's world. We had none of these things when I was growing up and did just fine......so what's all the fuss about? Do people not understand that in order to hang onto these things, whether it's cable tv, cell phones, computers, blackberry's, fancy cars, huge houses, credit cards, eating out, etc.....it not only cost you your peace of mind, but it takes time away from your children while they are young? All because we are trying to "keep up" instead of slow down.

Most people will say there is no way they can slow down.....but of course I believe slowing down is a choice, and it requires one simple word.......NO. And let's face it, with the economy issues that we face now, that word is going to have to be used more often. No to eating out, no to special treats at the grocery store, going to the movies, or taking vacations. No to buying new clothes when you have plenty to wear, no to buying new cars that demand fuel that's becoming scarce. Obviously this list goes on, and only you can decide when and where you can say no.

Rest assured, with our current situation, and the overwhelming numbers of stress related diseases, along with the millions that have no peace and joy in their life because they are just too busy trying to keep up, there will be a price to pay that will add up to be much greater than all those gadgets and "stuff" that we cling to so tightly. I believe change of pace starts with one person deciding to slow down and making different choices so their life is less stressful, and they can start to appreciate the simple things in life. Those around you will see that you are slowing down, and the benefits that come with slowing down, and realize how they can do the same.

So, make the choice to slow down and watch the ripple effect. Sort of like the wave at a stadium game. It has to start with just a few people, and before you know it, everyone wants to be a part of the wave. Will you be one of the few that starts the wave to slow down?

Sleep

Ahhhhh......that one thing we all want to do, but for whatever reason can't get enough of. Most people who share their thoughts and feelings about their sleep patterns, are constantly dealing with it on a daily basis, never really understanding why they can't sleep. So, maybe if we break it down in some way, you can somehow realize why you feel so deprived of one of life's most precious commodities. Here are some sleep theories I've heard lately.......maybe you can relate.

1. worry
2. worry
3. worry
4. worry
5. worry........and finally
6. worry

Anyone see a pattern here? My question is, what are all these people so worried about? For me, and especially since I'm a woman, I spend at least the first 20 minutes or so going through my day, usually at the stuff that went wrong, or that I felt was wrong. Or if I can't find anything, I go back a day, a week, a month or even a year until I can find something to ponder.....or rather regret. Of course then, if the present and past are exhausted, then I will sneak a peak into the future to see what I could conjure up there. Sounds like complete madness right? Yes....it is.....BUT you would be surprised to hear how many other people do this. So the question is not what.......but why? Maybe I'll write another blog someday that covers why women usually have this problem and men don't. I have never seen or talked to a man that says he has a sleep problem. Their head hits the pillow and that is IT!

Now we could very quickly eliminate some of the other reasons for not being able to sleep, like too much caffeine, too much alcohol, medications, bad mattress, allergies, physical pain.......etc. And there are some that we can actually address and get rid of, which may do away with the sleep problem altogether. But it might be more difficult to take a pill that covers worry. Granted you could try a sleeping pill, but I would understand how many people have tried them and might get to sleep at night, but have problems with how they feel the next day.

So what are we so worried about? Worried we will miss something if we actually close our eyes? Worried that something bad will happen so we must be prepared? Worried about what we did or said that day that was not quite right? Worried that we are going to be abandoned by someone we love, or that someone is going to die? Worried that we are sick in some way, but too afraid to go see a doctor? Worried that no matter how hard we try, we will never be content and happy, or ever be able to just sit and relax without trying to figure something out or get something accomplished? Geeze.......that's a lot of worry going on there......just wore me out to type it. But again.......not pointing the finger here.....I've had or still have the same problem. And again....I may not have the answer, probably don't, but I am a firm believer in talking things out......getting to the meat of the problem. At least it alleviates the fear.....at least one would hope so.

One thing that has helped me more than anything, is to keep a journal close by, so that if I get in bed and start the worry cycle, I reach for the pen and start writing. For me, when I actually write a feeling out, it makes it so much clearer for me to see what is going on. As if I've allowed myself to witness my own worry because it's in the written word. A warm bath helps relax you, as opposed to watching something exciting or violent on television. Find a book that's easy to read, and holds a subject that is interesting to you, taking note to use a lamp that is not too bright. Make sure your bed is comfortable, the room is comfortable and not cluttered. Paint the walls with a pleasing color that promotes a feeling of peace. Listen to some relaxation music before you go to bed. Apply lavender oil to your wrists...this promotes sleep.....wear a breathe-right strip to make sure your nasal passages are open.....try sleeping in a bed by yourself if you're used to sleeping with someone.

In other words , there are many things that will help, but you have to actually do them in order for them to work. Sleep has to be turned into an experience, no different from planning a great meal. Think of the trouble you will go to in order to have a great meal, using all the right ingredients, cooked to perfection, with a nice tablecloth, candles...etc. Well, you can do the same with sleep. Sleep requires thought, planning and even an excitement for taking the time to love and nurture your body.

If worry is your biggest problem, before you go to bed, write out your worries on little pieces of paper and burn them before you go to bed. If you're spiritual, ask God to show you what is getting in the way of you being able to sleep, and to be released from worrisome thoughts. And of course if none of these things help, seek professional help. Go to a sleep clinic and get a sleep kit, which will monitor your sleep in case there is something medically wrong. Invest in some books about insomnia, for there are many out there that have some really great advice about sleep, or the lack there of.

Bottom line, find something that works and stick with it. Lack of sleep has a huge impact on how you experience your waking hours, your job, school, your relationships, and most importantly how your body handles stress. If you want to experience any peace or joy in your life, it's worth the time to investigate your sleep issues.

"Too Amenable"

Are you too easily sucked into someone else's life, finding yourself always saying yes just to satisfy their whim? I'm not quite sure why some of us have the tendency to do this, but apparently it's pretty easy to do, and widespread at that. Of course I realize there is a give and take in any relationship, but when you feel like you have completely set aside your wants, needs, and desires for those of another, you might want to take caution. I think it's wonderful that there are givers in this world, but when you lose your life and what is important to you, to a taker......beware. I can say this only because I've done it myself more times than not.

I've often questioned myself.......why do you so easily lose yourself in this person? Have you lost a sense of balance, just for the sake of having someone in your life? Is there anything left of me? Is there anything wrong with the things I have come to enjoy in my life or any reason why I shouldn't keep doing them? Why do I allow someone else to decide how I will spend my time? Why do I let my life become more about what this person needs as opposed to what I might need?

Now granted, there is much truth and validity, and much to be gained for wanting someone else's happiness to be important, but I also believe there must be balance......or there WILL be guaranteed resentment on someone's part, no doubt. So what are some of the warning signs that you are in fact being sucked into living someone else's life and saving little for yourself?

Pay close attention to what happens to you internally when you say yes instead of no to something your partner wants to do. Pay attention to how often you end up doing what they want to do as opposed to something you want to do, no matter what it is. At the end of a week, see how many things were about you, and how many things were about them. Keeping in mind this is not necessarily about dumping someone, but more about recognizing how much of you is being lost, and how much the other person is getting exactly what they want, when they want it........and of course hopefully finding balance before it gets out of hand.

There is of course an element of why you allow your life to be consumed by another. If it's a case of being so much in love with this person that it feels perfectly natural to give in to their every whim, and there is no internal struggle going on, that's fine. But, if it's costing you your ability to be yourself and truly enjoy the things that are important or fun to you, then something needs to change. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a giver, or for people to get what they want or need in this life, but not at the cost of another.

There are many reasons why people seem to think they should get everything they want, how they want it and when they want it. They either were raised that way, and actually were successful at getting what they wanted, or the extreme.......they never got anything and are determined to get their needs met from you. Doesn't really matter, it's not your responsibility to satisfy every single need and desire they have, while letting go of your own.

Reasonable seems to be the most appropriate word here and my trusty Webster defines this as sensible and just. Being sensible and just to me implies there is balance. If there is balance, that means there are two of something vying for position. So when you have two people here trying to make sure that their needs and desires are being met, there has to be an understanding of those needs, and a way in which both can be satisfied.

Just keep in mind, this blog is not only about the ones who give too much getting little in return, but it's also about the takers who only focus on what they want in this life. Take time today to see where you fall.