Do you ever feel as if you were born in the wrong century? I do......quite often in fact. Lately I've been trying to figure out why, and with careful contemplation, I believe I've hit on something. Simplicity. Though I thought today's article was going to touch on "what was"......it seemed more appropriate to elaborate on what it really meant, at least to me. First of all, there is no doubt in my mind that there are many like myself, who believe that "high tech" is for the birds. After all, what is wrong with cooking on the stovetop, writing "real" letters, watching one t.v. with 3 channels, and talking on a phone that has a cord attached to the wall? Hey.....for me....nothing at all. I love it. There is also no doubt that if I didn't have this computer at my disposal.....I would still be writing using a typewriter or better yet.......a pen.
Maybe the reason I am so bothered by this idea of living in a "high tech" world, is not so much the change that was brought about.....but what the change did to our brains. As the world progressed, it forced our brains to progress into believing the new gadgets, thoughts, inventions,....etc......demanded one thing that really leaves me raw.......busyness. Not business........busy-ness. Huge difference, and of course, sticking to the neverending need to find true meaning, I have to ask Webster about this one. Busyness.....Having too much detail, variety of color....as to create a confusing, displeasing effect. Wow......that pretty much nails it in my book, epecially the confusing and displeasing part.
I can't tell you how many times a day I hear someone say.......I am just so busy......too busy. As if someone has them tied to something and they can't get free.......they have no control. Now I'm sorry.....but the one thing here that stands out to me is......lack of control. After all......one does have some control over how busy they allow themselves to be. The puzzling part is, having the need to continue to add to instead of taking away.......well at least puzzling to most of the people I know. Either I have something right....that no one else "gets", or I am totally out of touch with the real world and what it takes to live in it. It could be because of my physical limitations, I am forced to live a very simple and quiet life, that has nothing to do with busyness. So being in such an extreme position.....it's hard for me to understand.
The people around me quite often say they envy my life. Though of course have no clue as to how much that lifestyle cost. And of course I am not suggesting that everyone go out and get themselves an illness......available at any local sundry store. But what I am wondering is......why can't there be some sort of balance here? Why can't there be a declaration of what is not needed in someone's life..........that takes up too much space, energy and time? Thank God we are at this time being forced to "go green." I'm hoping and praying that it will slow down the pace.....which I see from the news is already starting to happen. People are making the decision to stay home instead of using gas and money to travel....which of course in turn gives families a new way of looking at their own home and backyard as a haven in which to relax and enjoy. No rafts, tickets or credit cards needed.
Honestly, I could very well point the finger at societal demands and expectations of how we are to live in this world......but that would mean that we are basically allowing that same "society" to dictate how we spend our time. All the infamous gadgets that are supposed to save us time, in fact force us to figure out how to fill up that time. Of course my question is......why can't we just sit back and relax with that extra time? There it is.......the meat. Were we so lacking, boring, and uncreative back in the 20th century or what? What is it that we are trying to prove here? That we can stand on one foot while driving that big SUV.......that we can juggle in the kitchen while feeding three children and a husband three different meals, at three different times......that we can buy what we want because we have a pocket full of credit cards.....that we can eat what we want and not gain weight......have a healthy body without exercise?
Trust me....I was only able to try on a few of those and it didn't work for me. My body couldn't take it.......so I sit back and watch people turning what could be so much simpler, into chaos, confusion, frustration and most often....exhaustion and unhappiness. Can I fix it? No....not likely. Can I expect everyone to live as I live......no...not likely. But I can ask you one question? Would the world come to an end or would you feel as if you had slipped off the merry-go-round if you just started to simplify your life? Look what it took for people to start paying attention to the energy crisis. All the while, listening to those out there who are appalled at the gas prices, and wondering why and what they were going to do about it. Never taking one moment to see, that in order for change to take place, or for people to actually take action, something had to be taken away.
Hmmmmm.....like someone dying. You don't appreciate someone until they die. How sad is that? And then when they do, you think, how unfair is that...or why did they die? Totally takes away from the issue doesn't it? The fact is....they died.......they're gone. You cannot change that, and it's sad if you have to experience regret of any kind. If there was change to have taken place, what would the change have been?
My point is, what is so wrong about recognizing that if you are in fact confused, frustrated or aggravated by the busyness or chaos in your life, you actually have the power to change it. You can make it as complicated as you want.....or as simple as you want.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
"Money, Or Lack There Of"
There is not a day that goes by that I don't hear someone mentioning money.....or rather the lack there of. And what's even more interesting is, it's usually coming from someone who actually does have money, they just don't have the discipline to use it in the right way. Now what do I mean, use it the right way? I believe that God intended us all to work, in order to have money, in order to take care of our basic needs. I don't ever recall reading in the Bible about things being bought on time with credit cards, but I do recall what money was used for, which was usually a place to live and food. If there were a few that spent money on jewels and wine, there was a job that supported that sort of lifestyle.
Now this might sound like a lecture on money, and it might very well be, but in fact is intended for those who complain about the lack of instead of realizing what is truly needed.....a relationship with money. I don't believe that it always has to be that thing in which we dwell on, ponder, or worry about. Trust me on this, because it's not likely you'll "get it", until you've had your ability to make money altered in some way.... that the focus is not what you can or cannot buy that particular day, but rather if you'll be able to physically get out of bed on any given day.
Now with that being said, what sort of relationship do we need to start having with our money? First of all, respect in that it's not to be taken for granted. That in order to have money, you must first work for it, unless of course you are connected to a fortune without lifting a finger. The only thing you can say about them is, they are fortunate.....period....and let that go. If I understand one thing in this world, it's that there are fortunate people and unfortunate people, with no rhyme or reason to either. No different than sick and well people...same thing applies.
There are also going to be a group who only see that it's ok for them not to work because of laziness or arrogance. Again.....you have no control over these.....just trust that whatever tax dollars of yours goes to helping those less fortunate, is actually alotted to someone who is truly too sick to work.
So why is it that those who do have a job, put in their 40 hours a week or more, receive a paycheck, still believe there is a lack of money? That money is the culprit...the bad seed.....the thing that drives us crazy. That it purposefully eludes those of us who work hard, leaving us in lack of constantly. I believe it has to do with our society, and how it makes you feel like you are lacking because you don't have the latest car, gadget, beauty treatment, etc. It's what we are led to believe we are all entitled to, whether we have the money to pay for it or not. And it gets worse each year because we are also led to believe that, in fact, if we have credit cards, then it grants us a "pass go" ticket to do or buy whatever we want....when we want it. That whether or not you have the money to pay for it in the end.....it's worth the freedom you get from being able to spend it....even though you know in reality....the money is not really there to pay for it when the bill comes in.
This is a sad state of affairs to me. Very sad, because it shows how out-of- touch people are in regards to money. They see each day that the other person has all the goodies, and therefore makes them feel even more entitled. Always viewing the difference between the have and the have nots. Always being jealous of those who have an abundance of money, or either the illusion of having an abundance of money. We have to keep in mind that no matter the status that someone has, doesn't always mean they have a healthy relationship with their money. Just means they might have better access to the credit cards. So it always appears to the outside world that they have plenty to spend and more where that came from. If you looked at their bank account or credit card balance, you might be shocked.
So, in essence, there is a strong feeling of having a lack of money. What would help us see money in a different light? What would ease up the bank accounts so we might have more money, without thinking the only way out would be to change jobs, or rob a bank? Something radical I'm afraid, for the weak and weary may not be able to make the shift that's needed in order to discover this new relationship with money.
First thing is to start thinking about the term "bare necessities." What does that mean exactly? For me it means food and shelter. Nothing more....food and shelter. In order to survive in this world, you need those two things. Anything beyond that is negotiable, questionable and requires careful contemplation. You could probably see those words and right off the bat be aghast.....then respond with.........what about my car, my cell phone, my pedicure, my travel, my childrens needs....etc. I must have those. Well, honestly, the only one that stands out there are the childrens needs......and that would also pertain to their food and shelter. No video games, no cell phones, no name brand clothes....etc.
So what happens to all the fun stuff? The stuff that everyone else has? Ah.......there it is....right in front of you. "What everyone else has." For after all, we have to keep up with the "Jones's" right? We have to make the outside world think that we are the lucky ones....that we get all the goodies, because it makes a statement about who we are as human beings. The elite, the fortunate, the blessed ones of this kingdom that God has provided for us. Well, just remember, God has nothing to do with credit cards or keeping up with the Jones's. That's something that we brought on ourselves. There is something to be said for a humble dwelling, home cooked meals, clothes from consignment, and one good used car instead of two, and people who love and appreciate your presence in their life. We only think the "stuff" will bring peace and happiness....but it doesn't.
Just remember, none of this makes us bad people. I think we are all inherently good in nature. We are just easily caught up in what the rest of the world is thinking and doing, especially with the media making us believe that we can have what we want, when we want it. We are entitled....period. But of course behind the scenes there are people struggling with what they believe to be the culprit in their life........money.....or lack there of. Always striving, kicking, screaming, focused on how they can get what they are entitled, instead of the true reality of what they have in their pockets or bank on any given day.
Just remember....you do have a choice at how you want to relate to money. You also have a choice in what you say yes to....and what you say no to as far as money. And something you know that no one else probably knows except your bank...... is how much money you actually make and how much you can afford to spend on anything other than your bare necessities. If you are one of the wealthy, you probably wouldn't feel the need to read this article. You probably feel lack in some other area....for we always trade one need for another one. But if you are one who constantly struggles with money, and not understanding why it's always an issue for you, you might want to try and think out of the box. Just because you think you are entitled to have more in this life, or walk around with the appearance of abundance, does not mean that "thinking it" will greet you at the back door with a check to pay for it.
Now this might sound like a lecture on money, and it might very well be, but in fact is intended for those who complain about the lack of instead of realizing what is truly needed.....a relationship with money. I don't believe that it always has to be that thing in which we dwell on, ponder, or worry about. Trust me on this, because it's not likely you'll "get it", until you've had your ability to make money altered in some way.... that the focus is not what you can or cannot buy that particular day, but rather if you'll be able to physically get out of bed on any given day.
Now with that being said, what sort of relationship do we need to start having with our money? First of all, respect in that it's not to be taken for granted. That in order to have money, you must first work for it, unless of course you are connected to a fortune without lifting a finger. The only thing you can say about them is, they are fortunate.....period....and let that go. If I understand one thing in this world, it's that there are fortunate people and unfortunate people, with no rhyme or reason to either. No different than sick and well people...same thing applies.
There are also going to be a group who only see that it's ok for them not to work because of laziness or arrogance. Again.....you have no control over these.....just trust that whatever tax dollars of yours goes to helping those less fortunate, is actually alotted to someone who is truly too sick to work.
So why is it that those who do have a job, put in their 40 hours a week or more, receive a paycheck, still believe there is a lack of money? That money is the culprit...the bad seed.....the thing that drives us crazy. That it purposefully eludes those of us who work hard, leaving us in lack of constantly. I believe it has to do with our society, and how it makes you feel like you are lacking because you don't have the latest car, gadget, beauty treatment, etc. It's what we are led to believe we are all entitled to, whether we have the money to pay for it or not. And it gets worse each year because we are also led to believe that, in fact, if we have credit cards, then it grants us a "pass go" ticket to do or buy whatever we want....when we want it. That whether or not you have the money to pay for it in the end.....it's worth the freedom you get from being able to spend it....even though you know in reality....the money is not really there to pay for it when the bill comes in.
This is a sad state of affairs to me. Very sad, because it shows how out-of- touch people are in regards to money. They see each day that the other person has all the goodies, and therefore makes them feel even more entitled. Always viewing the difference between the have and the have nots. Always being jealous of those who have an abundance of money, or either the illusion of having an abundance of money. We have to keep in mind that no matter the status that someone has, doesn't always mean they have a healthy relationship with their money. Just means they might have better access to the credit cards. So it always appears to the outside world that they have plenty to spend and more where that came from. If you looked at their bank account or credit card balance, you might be shocked.
So, in essence, there is a strong feeling of having a lack of money. What would help us see money in a different light? What would ease up the bank accounts so we might have more money, without thinking the only way out would be to change jobs, or rob a bank? Something radical I'm afraid, for the weak and weary may not be able to make the shift that's needed in order to discover this new relationship with money.
First thing is to start thinking about the term "bare necessities." What does that mean exactly? For me it means food and shelter. Nothing more....food and shelter. In order to survive in this world, you need those two things. Anything beyond that is negotiable, questionable and requires careful contemplation. You could probably see those words and right off the bat be aghast.....then respond with.........what about my car, my cell phone, my pedicure, my travel, my childrens needs....etc. I must have those. Well, honestly, the only one that stands out there are the childrens needs......and that would also pertain to their food and shelter. No video games, no cell phones, no name brand clothes....etc.
So what happens to all the fun stuff? The stuff that everyone else has? Ah.......there it is....right in front of you. "What everyone else has." For after all, we have to keep up with the "Jones's" right? We have to make the outside world think that we are the lucky ones....that we get all the goodies, because it makes a statement about who we are as human beings. The elite, the fortunate, the blessed ones of this kingdom that God has provided for us. Well, just remember, God has nothing to do with credit cards or keeping up with the Jones's. That's something that we brought on ourselves. There is something to be said for a humble dwelling, home cooked meals, clothes from consignment, and one good used car instead of two, and people who love and appreciate your presence in their life. We only think the "stuff" will bring peace and happiness....but it doesn't.
Just remember, none of this makes us bad people. I think we are all inherently good in nature. We are just easily caught up in what the rest of the world is thinking and doing, especially with the media making us believe that we can have what we want, when we want it. We are entitled....period. But of course behind the scenes there are people struggling with what they believe to be the culprit in their life........money.....or lack there of. Always striving, kicking, screaming, focused on how they can get what they are entitled, instead of the true reality of what they have in their pockets or bank on any given day.
Just remember....you do have a choice at how you want to relate to money. You also have a choice in what you say yes to....and what you say no to as far as money. And something you know that no one else probably knows except your bank...... is how much money you actually make and how much you can afford to spend on anything other than your bare necessities. If you are one of the wealthy, you probably wouldn't feel the need to read this article. You probably feel lack in some other area....for we always trade one need for another one. But if you are one who constantly struggles with money, and not understanding why it's always an issue for you, you might want to try and think out of the box. Just because you think you are entitled to have more in this life, or walk around with the appearance of abundance, does not mean that "thinking it" will greet you at the back door with a check to pay for it.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
"To Thine Ownself Be True"
So.... I wonder what our old friend Shakespeare was thinking when he came up with that phrase? Something must have triggered those words. Just think...even back then there was someone on this earth who was aware enough of themselves and those around them to actually contemplate self truth, and even though I don't know exactly what led him to write it, it still speaks to me. So we might as well get right down to it, because you already know I have something to say about the subject.
Truth. Now most people would think I'm talking about being honest with others, and while that is of the utmost importance.....I want to focus more on being honest with yourself, because actually, you can't really be truthful and honest with anyone else, unless you take a good look at yourself and see the truth. Well....what is the truth? Let's look it up shall we? Webster states that truth is the quality of being in accordance with facts or reality. Now I'll admit all of us, to a degree, stretch the truth in dealing with others, as well as self. Which basically means we are pretending something instead of portraying what is real. So why would we be so afraid to be real? What is wrong with being who you really are, unless your expectations are too high...especially of yourself?
Ah....so maybe this has to do with how we believe others view us? So we can't be honest with ourselves, because if we were, then we're afraid others won't accept us for who we are? Hence the "being in accordance with facts or reality comes into play." Yes indeedy, another one of my twisted puzzles thrown out on the floor to play with, pick at, analyze, and ponder. Hey it's either play with the puzzles or wake up each day playing a different game that really gets you nowhere fast. You ever wonder what people mean when they say "don't play mind games with me?" Well....I believe it has something to do with being dishonest with others, or somehow twisting the truth about yourself to get what you want.
So.....there we go. The crux of the issue or bottom line stems from......getting what you want...and doing or saying whatever you need to do or say to get it, and sadly enough, most of the time, getting away with it. I don't know about you, but that whole last sentence tasted really bitter in my mouth. I would almost rather have someone blatently lie to me, than to lie about who they really are, and it would be more important for them to get what they wanted or felt they deserved, than to "be in accordance with facts or reality,"..........in essence, live in truth.
Maybe it stems with how we look at ourselves. Are we so low on the totem pole, that no one would ever want to be around us? It's sad to think that we have to paint a completely different picture of ourselves than what others see, in order to be happy in this world or to feel accepted.....very sad indeed. So today I encourage you to for once take a look at yourself in the mirror and see the truth. If you see something good....then focus on the good. If you see something not so good or really bad, then make a pact with yourself to change it so you can live a more authentic life not only with yourself, but more importantly with those around you.
We all deserve to live in truth, and more likely to gain those things that mean the most to us in this life if we strive for honesty. So the next time something flies out of your mouth about yourself that you know in your gut is the farthest thing from the truth........try your best to remember old Shakespeare and his famous words of wisdom........"To Thine Ownself Be True."
Truth. Now most people would think I'm talking about being honest with others, and while that is of the utmost importance.....I want to focus more on being honest with yourself, because actually, you can't really be truthful and honest with anyone else, unless you take a good look at yourself and see the truth. Well....what is the truth? Let's look it up shall we? Webster states that truth is the quality of being in accordance with facts or reality. Now I'll admit all of us, to a degree, stretch the truth in dealing with others, as well as self. Which basically means we are pretending something instead of portraying what is real. So why would we be so afraid to be real? What is wrong with being who you really are, unless your expectations are too high...especially of yourself?
Ah....so maybe this has to do with how we believe others view us? So we can't be honest with ourselves, because if we were, then we're afraid others won't accept us for who we are? Hence the "being in accordance with facts or reality comes into play." Yes indeedy, another one of my twisted puzzles thrown out on the floor to play with, pick at, analyze, and ponder. Hey it's either play with the puzzles or wake up each day playing a different game that really gets you nowhere fast. You ever wonder what people mean when they say "don't play mind games with me?" Well....I believe it has something to do with being dishonest with others, or somehow twisting the truth about yourself to get what you want.
So.....there we go. The crux of the issue or bottom line stems from......getting what you want...and doing or saying whatever you need to do or say to get it, and sadly enough, most of the time, getting away with it. I don't know about you, but that whole last sentence tasted really bitter in my mouth. I would almost rather have someone blatently lie to me, than to lie about who they really are, and it would be more important for them to get what they wanted or felt they deserved, than to "be in accordance with facts or reality,"..........in essence, live in truth.
Maybe it stems with how we look at ourselves. Are we so low on the totem pole, that no one would ever want to be around us? It's sad to think that we have to paint a completely different picture of ourselves than what others see, in order to be happy in this world or to feel accepted.....very sad indeed. So today I encourage you to for once take a look at yourself in the mirror and see the truth. If you see something good....then focus on the good. If you see something not so good or really bad, then make a pact with yourself to change it so you can live a more authentic life not only with yourself, but more importantly with those around you.
We all deserve to live in truth, and more likely to gain those things that mean the most to us in this life if we strive for honesty. So the next time something flies out of your mouth about yourself that you know in your gut is the farthest thing from the truth........try your best to remember old Shakespeare and his famous words of wisdom........"To Thine Ownself Be True."
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Nip It.....Nip it in the Bud
Now....if you are around my age, you'll know where that phrase came from. Of course....Barney Fife from the Andy Griffith show....where else. I wonder when he started using that phrase if he had any idea how valuable a tool it would be these days in getting rid of, letting go of, or checking something off your list that honestly needs to be nixed once and for all? I doubt it. But you absolutely could feel the passion in his face when he used the term. Whatever was going on...it was time to just simply nip it.....period. Honestly, I'm able to carry that with me throughout the day because my body doesn't have room to drag around unwanted behavior or attitudes. So while I'm brushing my teeth, I'm thinking at the same time. Ok Cindy.....what is it today? What needs to be nipped in the bud? What do I need to change about myself, without having the need to blame it on anyone else? This is not about anyone else but me.
First of all, we all really know what needs to be nipped....we just keep it hidden in the closet along with our fear, regrets, anger, resentment, messy houses, dirty cars, unhealthy diets, excuses not to exercise.......you want me to go on? Ok...we can save the details till later I suppose. Now you can stand in front of the closet and be overwhelmed....or you can take one thing out each day to work on. Try something simple to start off with.....so after a while you can work your way up to the heavy duty nipping. If there's one thing you have to incorporate into your daily thinking, it's that you can't take on the world in one day....or yourself for that matter. If you do, you'll likely get discouraged and end up locking the door, thinking....out of sight...out of mind. Yeah...right, that'll work.
Pick a habit for instance. Can be minor, major, something you can keep hidden from other people, or at least you think they don't notice, or something if you saw someone else do, you would be appalled. You already know what it is.......it's not my place to type it out here .....so let's just go from there. How is this habit affecting your life......or those around you? Is it something you realize you're doing, but just can't stop for some reason? Where does the habit stem from........fear, worry, self loathing, anxiety, or is it a true addiction? Keep in mind, that some things need more than a "nip it" attitude.....I'm completely aware of that. But honestly, doesn't it start with a recognition and determination to let go of something because it's just a matter of discipline? We all believe we are wise enough to develop such habits as brushing our teeth each day, putting on deodorant so we don't offend those around us, or saying please and thank you..right? And those things became a habit because we placed a sense of importance on them. So......maybe the next step here is to see the habit, no matter what it is, and begin to place an importance on it.
First of all, good habits make us feel good about ourselves, right? They can imply good health, order, peace, self-awareness and a self esteem that is balanced and healthy...not cocky and narcissistic. Bad habits on the other hand sort of gnaw at your gut, with moments, only moments, of recognition of what needs to be nipped. The habit has usually been noticed by those around you, and you're mortified that you have even allowed yourself to get to this point. You keep the habit....but it costs you something, because you're not addressing the real problem that's hidden underneath the habit. All very twisted again......but hey...that's what I do. Just like a maze, I enjoy sifting through until I find the core....the truth about a situation. Doesn't have anything to do with being right, but more about discovering something about yourself.
OK....so stop right now and think about one habit. And pick a good one too.....one that is unsightly.....one that you don't think people see you doing. Or even if they do, you're still able to make believe they don't see you. Trust me...people do this every single day. And before you ask.....yes I have my own habits. But it was only with the recognition of them that I was able to whittle my pile in the closet down to something more manageable. Plus, with being confined to my home, I sometimes have a lot of time on my hands.....so honestly it's easier for me to work on mine.
Here is a list that I have gathered just from observing others......and don't take offense or feel like you've been caught doing something tacky......just see if they're some things that would be offensive to you if you saw someone else doing them. There are also many in here that people have asked me to help them with. And remember....this is just about awareness.
-constantly finding fault in others/finding the need to tear down instead of build up
-constantly being negative
-speculating the reason behind someone else's behavior
-using offensive language
-smoking or allowing your smoke to affect others
-being too loud
-whining or complaining
-not saying please and thank you
-road rage
-pushing to get your way
-being more concerned about what you are going to say instead of listening
-twisting the truth to flat out lying
-saying things because it's what you think the other person wants to hear, not because it's the truth
-manipulating the situation to get what you want
-having a victim mentality
-blaming your behavior or attitude on others
-being rude to waitresses or waiters
-focusing on someone else's faults instead of their good qualities
-procrastination
-avoiding instead of facing something head on
-gossiping
-snippy attitude
Well..I could go on here....but this is just a few. I'm sure you can find others in your closet of habits, some you might want to address, some you don't want to let go of, or honestly feel you have the right to keep. That is your call. And trust me...I don't own the corner market of etiquette here, nor am I trying for a guest appearance on Martha Stewart......this again is only about awareness and how your habits could possible be affecting those around you......and more importantly affecting you. If there is a deeper reason why you hang onto these habits.......isn't that good enough reason to "nip it." I know how people detest change....change of any kind.....but honestly if you have started reading my blogs, you must have already come to some sense of awareness. Coaching is about finding where you are at this moment....noticing what is right/wrong.....peaceful/chaotic......healthy/unhealthy...truthful/deceptive.....and taking steps to change what is not good for you or others, and start doing something different, that feels right.
Sit with this for a day or so....for the next blog I'll focus more on how to go about sorting and sifting through the closet of habits. Remember this is ALL good stuff. As if I placed a puzzle in front of you and said, here....take your time to pick through these......see how the pieces fit and what you'll end up with in the end. I promise....in the long run.....it's worth the effort to "nip it."
First of all, we all really know what needs to be nipped....we just keep it hidden in the closet along with our fear, regrets, anger, resentment, messy houses, dirty cars, unhealthy diets, excuses not to exercise.......you want me to go on? Ok...we can save the details till later I suppose. Now you can stand in front of the closet and be overwhelmed....or you can take one thing out each day to work on. Try something simple to start off with.....so after a while you can work your way up to the heavy duty nipping. If there's one thing you have to incorporate into your daily thinking, it's that you can't take on the world in one day....or yourself for that matter. If you do, you'll likely get discouraged and end up locking the door, thinking....out of sight...out of mind. Yeah...right, that'll work.
Pick a habit for instance. Can be minor, major, something you can keep hidden from other people, or at least you think they don't notice, or something if you saw someone else do, you would be appalled. You already know what it is.......it's not my place to type it out here .....so let's just go from there. How is this habit affecting your life......or those around you? Is it something you realize you're doing, but just can't stop for some reason? Where does the habit stem from........fear, worry, self loathing, anxiety, or is it a true addiction? Keep in mind, that some things need more than a "nip it" attitude.....I'm completely aware of that. But honestly, doesn't it start with a recognition and determination to let go of something because it's just a matter of discipline? We all believe we are wise enough to develop such habits as brushing our teeth each day, putting on deodorant so we don't offend those around us, or saying please and thank you..right? And those things became a habit because we placed a sense of importance on them. So......maybe the next step here is to see the habit, no matter what it is, and begin to place an importance on it.
First of all, good habits make us feel good about ourselves, right? They can imply good health, order, peace, self-awareness and a self esteem that is balanced and healthy...not cocky and narcissistic. Bad habits on the other hand sort of gnaw at your gut, with moments, only moments, of recognition of what needs to be nipped. The habit has usually been noticed by those around you, and you're mortified that you have even allowed yourself to get to this point. You keep the habit....but it costs you something, because you're not addressing the real problem that's hidden underneath the habit. All very twisted again......but hey...that's what I do. Just like a maze, I enjoy sifting through until I find the core....the truth about a situation. Doesn't have anything to do with being right, but more about discovering something about yourself.
OK....so stop right now and think about one habit. And pick a good one too.....one that is unsightly.....one that you don't think people see you doing. Or even if they do, you're still able to make believe they don't see you. Trust me...people do this every single day. And before you ask.....yes I have my own habits. But it was only with the recognition of them that I was able to whittle my pile in the closet down to something more manageable. Plus, with being confined to my home, I sometimes have a lot of time on my hands.....so honestly it's easier for me to work on mine.
Here is a list that I have gathered just from observing others......and don't take offense or feel like you've been caught doing something tacky......just see if they're some things that would be offensive to you if you saw someone else doing them. There are also many in here that people have asked me to help them with. And remember....this is just about awareness.
-constantly finding fault in others/finding the need to tear down instead of build up
-constantly being negative
-speculating the reason behind someone else's behavior
-using offensive language
-smoking or allowing your smoke to affect others
-being too loud
-whining or complaining
-not saying please and thank you
-road rage
-pushing to get your way
-being more concerned about what you are going to say instead of listening
-twisting the truth to flat out lying
-saying things because it's what you think the other person wants to hear, not because it's the truth
-manipulating the situation to get what you want
-having a victim mentality
-blaming your behavior or attitude on others
-being rude to waitresses or waiters
-focusing on someone else's faults instead of their good qualities
-procrastination
-avoiding instead of facing something head on
-gossiping
-snippy attitude
Well..I could go on here....but this is just a few. I'm sure you can find others in your closet of habits, some you might want to address, some you don't want to let go of, or honestly feel you have the right to keep. That is your call. And trust me...I don't own the corner market of etiquette here, nor am I trying for a guest appearance on Martha Stewart......this again is only about awareness and how your habits could possible be affecting those around you......and more importantly affecting you. If there is a deeper reason why you hang onto these habits.......isn't that good enough reason to "nip it." I know how people detest change....change of any kind.....but honestly if you have started reading my blogs, you must have already come to some sense of awareness. Coaching is about finding where you are at this moment....noticing what is right/wrong.....peaceful/chaotic......healthy/unhealthy...truthful/deceptive.....and taking steps to change what is not good for you or others, and start doing something different, that feels right.
Sit with this for a day or so....for the next blog I'll focus more on how to go about sorting and sifting through the closet of habits. Remember this is ALL good stuff. As if I placed a puzzle in front of you and said, here....take your time to pick through these......see how the pieces fit and what you'll end up with in the end. I promise....in the long run.....it's worth the effort to "nip it."
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Step Away
Do you ever get the feeling that for whatever reason, you need to step away from something in order to get an answer? You think, ponder, rehash, speculate, juggle or try to manipulate a situation in your head until it becomes more than you can handle? Then you finally realize that the easiest way to figure something out, is to stop trying or asking why. What an amazing revelation that was for me, because I'm a born caretaker, fixer of wrong doings, righting the injustice of the world, albeit it not as a whole, but one lost soul at a time. And not necessarily because I thought I was a true savior for the world...but because I honestly thought I could help. It was my driving nature and purpose, to make a difference somehow.
Of course as time passed I learned, the hard way I might add, the benefits from stepping aside and observing what would happen with circumstances and people, minus my input. Course it's easy to understand why most people think that surely they have the right answer for anyone and any situation......most of us think that way. Most of us believe what we were taught growing up was the right way in which to do things, and that whatever education we had, would equip us with anything that may come our way......or even more egotistically.... someone else's way. I will not try to decipher this way of thinking, because I truly believe for the most part......it's normal.
However, what if one wanted to step away from the norm, and choose a different palette in which to paint. May sound twisted and abstract for some, but for myself would actually offer a challenge much different than the one I was forced to live with each day. For how can a person be "ok" with being sick most of their life, when all the rest of the world roams about the earth doing as they please? What is fair about that and more importantly how could one begin to manipulate the situation so that it not be such a focus in life, or better yet.....just disappear?
Well....before I tell you what is likely to work, I feel it important to share with you what does not work, and this is from hard core experience. You can first of all throw out all your notions of knowing the answers to everything, no matter if your parents were the president and first lady, or you graced the halls of Harvard, because it won't make any difference. I struggled to the bitter end to get my college degree, thinking that piece of paper would surely be proof positive that I had gained all the knowledge that was needed in order to change the world. If someone wanted to know what I learned in college, I would only be able to utter two words......discipline and perseverance. The rest I was hoping and praying was safely tucked away in long term memory for future reference.
Now with that being said, if I can no longer pretend that I know all the answers, how will I in fact do anything to help change the world? If I don't speak what I know, how can I help anyone find their way out of the maze that's put before us all? And then the answer came suddenly one day.......but, this was after my voice had been effected by my illness and it was most often impossible for me to project my most profound thoughts that would fix the world. What would happen if I chose to observe instead of being in a fix it mode? Would the earth still revolve without my imput? Would wrongs be righted if I could not speak? Could I make a difference in the world with no voice? Would comfort come to those who were sad, lost, afraid, frustrated or confused without my words?
Well......the interesting revelation that would come was wondering if the world would get along fine if I died? Would all those around me figure it all out without my presence and would life go on? Well, as much as I would like to still hang on to my knowing so much and my ability to save the world, reality sets in and reminds me.........yes, the world would get along without me. Now actually my title, "Step Away" does not really imply death of the body, as much as it has more to do with death of self. Death of what we hang on so tight to, fighting to get our way, or see the world the way we think it should be.
If we want to change the way we think about something or change our behavior, it has more to do with stepping away from what or how we've been for most of our lives. If something is not quite right, especially if you can feel it in your gut.....it doesn't automatically mean that it has to do with the outside world being at fault. In other words, at some point and time, it has to occur to each and every one of us to step away and see what part we play in not only how we think and behave, but how our thinking and behavior effects those around us.
The best way in which to do this is to stop talking or frantically trying to fix someone else's life and start looking at your own. Start today by listening more. Setting aside your iron-clad belief system in exchange for experiencing life through someone else's eyes. I promise it will open up a whole new world for you, and you'll have much more peace and joy because you're not focused on trying to fix someone else's problems. Also...when you learn to listen to others, they will notice that you are taking the time to listen, and they will in turn wonder if they are a good listener. You see the impact this has? You have in fact changed the world by listening to one person......and you did this by "stepping away."
Of course as time passed I learned, the hard way I might add, the benefits from stepping aside and observing what would happen with circumstances and people, minus my input. Course it's easy to understand why most people think that surely they have the right answer for anyone and any situation......most of us think that way. Most of us believe what we were taught growing up was the right way in which to do things, and that whatever education we had, would equip us with anything that may come our way......or even more egotistically.... someone else's way. I will not try to decipher this way of thinking, because I truly believe for the most part......it's normal.
However, what if one wanted to step away from the norm, and choose a different palette in which to paint. May sound twisted and abstract for some, but for myself would actually offer a challenge much different than the one I was forced to live with each day. For how can a person be "ok" with being sick most of their life, when all the rest of the world roams about the earth doing as they please? What is fair about that and more importantly how could one begin to manipulate the situation so that it not be such a focus in life, or better yet.....just disappear?
Well....before I tell you what is likely to work, I feel it important to share with you what does not work, and this is from hard core experience. You can first of all throw out all your notions of knowing the answers to everything, no matter if your parents were the president and first lady, or you graced the halls of Harvard, because it won't make any difference. I struggled to the bitter end to get my college degree, thinking that piece of paper would surely be proof positive that I had gained all the knowledge that was needed in order to change the world. If someone wanted to know what I learned in college, I would only be able to utter two words......discipline and perseverance. The rest I was hoping and praying was safely tucked away in long term memory for future reference.
Now with that being said, if I can no longer pretend that I know all the answers, how will I in fact do anything to help change the world? If I don't speak what I know, how can I help anyone find their way out of the maze that's put before us all? And then the answer came suddenly one day.......but, this was after my voice had been effected by my illness and it was most often impossible for me to project my most profound thoughts that would fix the world. What would happen if I chose to observe instead of being in a fix it mode? Would the earth still revolve without my imput? Would wrongs be righted if I could not speak? Could I make a difference in the world with no voice? Would comfort come to those who were sad, lost, afraid, frustrated or confused without my words?
Well......the interesting revelation that would come was wondering if the world would get along fine if I died? Would all those around me figure it all out without my presence and would life go on? Well, as much as I would like to still hang on to my knowing so much and my ability to save the world, reality sets in and reminds me.........yes, the world would get along without me. Now actually my title, "Step Away" does not really imply death of the body, as much as it has more to do with death of self. Death of what we hang on so tight to, fighting to get our way, or see the world the way we think it should be.
If we want to change the way we think about something or change our behavior, it has more to do with stepping away from what or how we've been for most of our lives. If something is not quite right, especially if you can feel it in your gut.....it doesn't automatically mean that it has to do with the outside world being at fault. In other words, at some point and time, it has to occur to each and every one of us to step away and see what part we play in not only how we think and behave, but how our thinking and behavior effects those around us.
The best way in which to do this is to stop talking or frantically trying to fix someone else's life and start looking at your own. Start today by listening more. Setting aside your iron-clad belief system in exchange for experiencing life through someone else's eyes. I promise it will open up a whole new world for you, and you'll have much more peace and joy because you're not focused on trying to fix someone else's problems. Also...when you learn to listen to others, they will notice that you are taking the time to listen, and they will in turn wonder if they are a good listener. You see the impact this has? You have in fact changed the world by listening to one person......and you did this by "stepping away."
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Change a Life
It is so hard to stay positive when the world you live in has so many things to be stressed out about. Some of us knowing the moment we wake up what the day will look like. Most days I wake up wondering what sort of truck came through my bedroom and over the top of my body. I roll over, ease up, and know the minute I touch the floor what works, and what doesn't. Some days are better than others, thank goodness, and so then I move about accordingly. But, this is not supposed to be about my daily struggles, for we all have them........this is about how you choose to start your day and what sort of attitude you will carry throughout your day.
First of all, do you realize that you can have a huge impact on how someone elses day is going, and that their outlook on life could depend on your attitude and behavior? I realize that sounds like an enormous responsibility for anyone to face each day, but if it's the only thing that you are able to accomplish that day......why in the world wouldn't you try? People are beaten down by life and its pressures, whether it's an illness, death of a loved one, losing their job, struggling to make ends meet.....or just being lonely. We don't even have to know what a person has been through in order to know that how we choose to walk around could change their ability to cope on any given day.
I have become more conscious lately of those around me, whether it's the neighbor next door or the lady at the checkout counter at the store, and what they might be experiencing that day.....especially if they are not smiling or have a look of pain in their expression. My antenna reaches higher without me even knowing it, thinking about whether or not they are happy, sad, hungry, abused, lost, lonely, or sick. Wondering if they had heard one positive thing come out of anyones mouth that day, and then having the need to smile and make contact with them in some way. When I do this, it changes who that person is, for they realize that someone out in the world took the time to notice them for whatever reason.....and in turn it changes me....for my focus is not on my pain and suffering but on someone elses.
It doesn't necessarily mean that I can fix their own personal situation, but at least feeling some satisfaction inside knowing, if for only a moment, I made a difference. If they felt hopeless, worthless or pondering whether their presence on this earth meant anything to anyone......I had the power to just smile, say something positive, and walk away most often never seeing that person again. For if I am too focused on my own stuff, and allowing my life to beat me down in some way, destined to see only the negative side......then I can't make a difference.
It really doesn't take that much effort on you part to just pay attention to those around you. Sure you have plenty to think about concerning your own life struggles, but it doesn't have to completely steal your peace of mind and ability to truly realize, there are people hurting out there too.....doesn't matter if you know them or not. This is not a desire to be perfect, or not recognize that you have your own limitations in life. Honestly this is more about letting go of the need to be miserable in your own situation, and using what little energy or strength you do have to lift someone else up.
So the next time you are having a bad day, and think you have nothing to offer those around you, no matter who they are.....or just simply consumed with how things are just not right or fair in your own life.......peek outside your door. I guarantee there is someone who's day or even life could be changed by something positive and uplifting coming out of your own mouth.
Remember to always build up......not tear down, and begin to notice that even if you don't need to be noticed.....there are a million people who do.
First of all, do you realize that you can have a huge impact on how someone elses day is going, and that their outlook on life could depend on your attitude and behavior? I realize that sounds like an enormous responsibility for anyone to face each day, but if it's the only thing that you are able to accomplish that day......why in the world wouldn't you try? People are beaten down by life and its pressures, whether it's an illness, death of a loved one, losing their job, struggling to make ends meet.....or just being lonely. We don't even have to know what a person has been through in order to know that how we choose to walk around could change their ability to cope on any given day.
I have become more conscious lately of those around me, whether it's the neighbor next door or the lady at the checkout counter at the store, and what they might be experiencing that day.....especially if they are not smiling or have a look of pain in their expression. My antenna reaches higher without me even knowing it, thinking about whether or not they are happy, sad, hungry, abused, lost, lonely, or sick. Wondering if they had heard one positive thing come out of anyones mouth that day, and then having the need to smile and make contact with them in some way. When I do this, it changes who that person is, for they realize that someone out in the world took the time to notice them for whatever reason.....and in turn it changes me....for my focus is not on my pain and suffering but on someone elses.
It doesn't necessarily mean that I can fix their own personal situation, but at least feeling some satisfaction inside knowing, if for only a moment, I made a difference. If they felt hopeless, worthless or pondering whether their presence on this earth meant anything to anyone......I had the power to just smile, say something positive, and walk away most often never seeing that person again. For if I am too focused on my own stuff, and allowing my life to beat me down in some way, destined to see only the negative side......then I can't make a difference.
It really doesn't take that much effort on you part to just pay attention to those around you. Sure you have plenty to think about concerning your own life struggles, but it doesn't have to completely steal your peace of mind and ability to truly realize, there are people hurting out there too.....doesn't matter if you know them or not. This is not a desire to be perfect, or not recognize that you have your own limitations in life. Honestly this is more about letting go of the need to be miserable in your own situation, and using what little energy or strength you do have to lift someone else up.
So the next time you are having a bad day, and think you have nothing to offer those around you, no matter who they are.....or just simply consumed with how things are just not right or fair in your own life.......peek outside your door. I guarantee there is someone who's day or even life could be changed by something positive and uplifting coming out of your own mouth.
Remember to always build up......not tear down, and begin to notice that even if you don't need to be noticed.....there are a million people who do.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Listening
Do you ever find yourself more interested in talking than listening? I believe this is a true epidemic in our society. For most of us believe that what we know is much more important than what someone else might know.....or our way of thinking or doing things is much more practical and progressive than the next person. What is wrong with believing, even if just for a few moments, that the next person you come across has a world of information if you bothered to ask them.....or bothered to just sit and listen? Really nothing actually, and in fact life is so much easier if you learn to take this position.....for it's effortless.
I used to think that it was my job as a coach to talk, guide, and direct in order to motivate a person to change their behavior or direction. But I found it was more about actively listening to them. There is something very profound that happens when a person is allowed to hear their own voice. They're most often able to find their own way without me saying much of anything. This of course can happen everyday with no need of professional training..........it just requires one thing. Listening instead of talking.
Now how does one actually go about learning to do this? Well, it's not all that difficult, but it does require a change of thinking about yourself. If you want to learn more on a particular subject, you would be more likely to read about it, right? Same in this instance. In order to learn more about a person, the more you need to listen, without thinking that you already have the answer, because most of the time.....you don't. You just think you do.
After all, each one of us is coming from a different place. We grew up differently, we had different parents, siblings, surroundings, circumstances.......all completely different. In fact most of our mindsets as adults stem from what we experienced as a child. And no matter what you were taught, does not automatically mean it was right and what everyone else was taught was wrong. You're just going to have varying degrees of love, conditioning, habits, mindsets, disciplining....etc.
Many of us were lacking in some areas in our growing up years, in love, approval, affection, attention, encouragement or acceptance.....and spend the rest of our lives in search of those things....often placing expectations on those around us, which we have no right to do. It was just unfortunate that those values were not placed there as a child. On the other hand, there are those of us who were taught we could do no wrong, to strive, succeed, and to push our way to the top no matter what or who got in our way. And if anything did, we had this embred sense of righteous indignation that would get us through this life. You get your way or die.
I'm aware that I've only discussed the extremes here, though much could be gained from investigating the middle ground. There are in fact individuals who were taught a balanced way of being. They were taught to love, to encourage others, to show compassion, to understand, to build others up instead of tearing them down, to not constantly question why, and to most importantly.......offer unconditional regard and acceptance. Course you might be thinking that these are things that can only be learned along the way.....and you may be right.
I believe that after a while, you eventually find what was missing from your childhood.....and learn to sift through, taking away only those things that sit well in your gut. All of us know the difference between right and wrong, and if we can stop long enough to find any sort of self awareness and change those things about ourselves that we know contribute nothing positive, then we have in fact started down the road to what it means to change the world.
So today....I will listen instead of directing.....I will listen instead of fixing....I will listen because I believe someone has something interesting and enlightening to say or contribute to my life.....I will listen because someone is experiencing something that needs to be shared....I will listen because someone is in pain...I will listen because someone is lost..........in essence.......I will just listen.
I used to think that it was my job as a coach to talk, guide, and direct in order to motivate a person to change their behavior or direction. But I found it was more about actively listening to them. There is something very profound that happens when a person is allowed to hear their own voice. They're most often able to find their own way without me saying much of anything. This of course can happen everyday with no need of professional training..........it just requires one thing. Listening instead of talking.
Now how does one actually go about learning to do this? Well, it's not all that difficult, but it does require a change of thinking about yourself. If you want to learn more on a particular subject, you would be more likely to read about it, right? Same in this instance. In order to learn more about a person, the more you need to listen, without thinking that you already have the answer, because most of the time.....you don't. You just think you do.
After all, each one of us is coming from a different place. We grew up differently, we had different parents, siblings, surroundings, circumstances.......all completely different. In fact most of our mindsets as adults stem from what we experienced as a child. And no matter what you were taught, does not automatically mean it was right and what everyone else was taught was wrong. You're just going to have varying degrees of love, conditioning, habits, mindsets, disciplining....etc.
Many of us were lacking in some areas in our growing up years, in love, approval, affection, attention, encouragement or acceptance.....and spend the rest of our lives in search of those things....often placing expectations on those around us, which we have no right to do. It was just unfortunate that those values were not placed there as a child. On the other hand, there are those of us who were taught we could do no wrong, to strive, succeed, and to push our way to the top no matter what or who got in our way. And if anything did, we had this embred sense of righteous indignation that would get us through this life. You get your way or die.
I'm aware that I've only discussed the extremes here, though much could be gained from investigating the middle ground. There are in fact individuals who were taught a balanced way of being. They were taught to love, to encourage others, to show compassion, to understand, to build others up instead of tearing them down, to not constantly question why, and to most importantly.......offer unconditional regard and acceptance. Course you might be thinking that these are things that can only be learned along the way.....and you may be right.
I believe that after a while, you eventually find what was missing from your childhood.....and learn to sift through, taking away only those things that sit well in your gut. All of us know the difference between right and wrong, and if we can stop long enough to find any sort of self awareness and change those things about ourselves that we know contribute nothing positive, then we have in fact started down the road to what it means to change the world.
So today....I will listen instead of directing.....I will listen instead of fixing....I will listen because I believe someone has something interesting and enlightening to say or contribute to my life.....I will listen because someone is experiencing something that needs to be shared....I will listen because someone is in pain...I will listen because someone is lost..........in essence.......I will just listen.
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