Let's Talk About Anger

I don't know about you, but I could get a fairly good list going of things I'd like to kick up the dust about today. Most of the time, I'm able to handle whatever the issue might be, and after a few minutes transform it into something more manageable........though today has not been one of those days. Most often these days arise because I've not been taking care of myself in some way, or either expecting too much, or not able to let go of something because I'm hanging on for dear life, hell bent on not yielding to something that is destined to change in my life whether I like it or not. Sort of like pressing the floor with your foot in the passenger seat, hoping that the driver will slow down or stop. You can press that foot clear through the floor, and if the driver wants to slow down, they will slow down......but you're pretty much at the mercy of whoever's driving....period.

Now I was hoping that this new year would bring only good things, because the last year has been rough, to say the least......emotionally, physically, financially....etc.....but so far it's felt like I've been tied to the bumper of a truck, and dragged across a cobblestone road naked. Not a pretty sight I assure you, and about as painful as you can imagine, nevertheless.....thats what it felt like, and doesn't look like it's easing up anytime soon. Now granted most of my rough stuff is physical, but honestly it doesn't really matter whether you have physical or emotional challenges that weigh you down.......the frustration is the same.

The question is of course.....what do you do with your anger? And don't tell me you don't have any, because I won't believe you. Everyone has stuff they're dealing with at some level. Either something they want to say to someone but feel they can't, something they want to change, but feel they can't........in other words....your freedom to express has been stifled, squashed, disabled.....and we all want to be understood or express what we're truly feeling. Suppose you've been treated unfairly about something, or someone has said something about you that is not true, or you've made a decision lately that you believe you must have made while jumping out of an airplane or high on cocktails......and now you're paying for it dearly. Maybe it was a decision made to keep someone else happy, or to give them what they want, as opposed to you doing what was right for yourself.

Realizations such as these are hard to look at head on, because it reminds you that you clearly were not basing your decisions on truth or reality. You know.......that little voice inside your head that says......well shoot......I'm gonna just jump and hope for the best.....besides I'm doing this to make someone else happy, so it can't be wrong can it? Hmmmm.....well....I'll let you answer that one.

I think most of the time we are more angry with ourselves than with other people. Sure you can point the finger, finding good reason why you've ended up in a spot you thought you would never end up in, so it must have been someone who pushed you, coherced you, nagged you, etc, until you just gave in and said yes to whatever they wanted. So yes....they got what they wanted.....YAHOO.....good for them.......but what  happens to you? What kept us from stepping back and looking clearly at what making that decision would mean to YOUR life? All well intended because we want to love, nuture, and give out of kindness and devotion..........but there has to be a way in which to give without losing yourself completely, where your life becomes all about the other person, and there is nothing left to identify you. You've sort of blended into the woodwork, until one day you wake up and realize..........what happen to me?

You wonder what happened to those things that nurtured you, that fed your soul, that comforted you, that kept you grounded and balanced in life....etc. They've quickly been molded, without you knowing it, into something that you cannot even relate to any longer. And then uh oh..........you wake up one morning and realize........who is that person in the mirror.......it's not me.

Then the anger sets in. Yeh.....I'm talking to you. The one who thinks whatever it is that's bothering them will just slip out the back door, leaving you alone with a glorious sense of peace and joy. Well.....if you've got one of those minds that can do that....go for it. Tell me later how that's working for you. However..........

If your ears are perked up about right now, and as you continue to read these words, that "something" is beginning to swell up in your gut.....that little gnawing that won't go away no matter what you try.......well...then maybe you're ready to go to work and see where you can park that anger that will invariably start affecting those around you unless you do something about it.

First of all.....take a deep breathe.........there.......take another one. You realize part of the problem is the fact that you are NOT breathing......so all that stuff that sort of nags at you can't get out properly. Now get your mind focused on what you believe is in your gut right now. You can make a list of piddling things, but more than likely there is something at the core. The one thing that if you stop and look at will only reveal the truth of your anger. Maybe you're one of these people who believe you should never get angry......that it doesn't say much about your character if you submit to it, so you decide the best way is to find a place to store it inside that crafty little head of yours. Maybe nothing ever bothers you......you're just a balanced, stable sort of person who has a glorious life where everything falls right into place..........yeh right.......if thats the case...please pass on your phone number so I can get some pointers. I must be doing something wrong.

OK......so from your list.....what did you come up with? Were they things like, there is never enough money, my spouse drives me nuts or just doesn't do what I want them to do, my body is falling apart, I hate my job, I don't believe anyone truly understands me....or this is not what I thought my life was going to look like at age _____.  I'm probably pretty close, or there may be some heavier things on the list that you are not ready to address right now.......or sort of nag you.....but not enough to do anything about.

So...after looking at your list, are your eyes drawn to one thing that really stands out.......one thing that really gives your gut a twinge? There are no right or wrong answers here.....and there's no one standing over your shoulder right now.....so it's ok to sit with it for a few minutes. What's on your list that has the potential to become lethal and could get blown way out of proportion if it's not addressed now? What will it do much later, if you don't fess up to it now? What are you likely to lose if you don't first recognize it, and then say it outloud either to yourself, or to someone around you? And we can be talking about the smallest little thing, to something that you know if you open your mouth, you'll be destroyed.

Maybe you just need to say something outloud to someone, recognizing the risk, but knowing that if you don't, it will nag you till the day you die. Whatever it is, and I think you know by now what it is......the one core thing that needs to be addressed.....but you are choosing to ignore it. The one thing that just keeps you on the edge of anger.....each day that passes you think will just float away, but it never does.

So what do you do with it? Where can you stash it so it won't show? What happens to any peace or joy you could have while you're here if you choose to hang onto it? What happens to you and the sort of person you really wanted to be, or the sort of life you wanted to live, but somehow got lost?

Sounds like a disappointment more than an anger blog right? Well....I think anger can most often follow disappointment. Things just didn't turn out the way you thought they were going to......and when you look in the mirror....you have no clue as to who you're looking at anymore. Cause for anger? Absolutely.........and if it brings any peace at all, just remember......most all of us go through moments like this, you just don't know about them. Most often the disappointment is kept at bay, because we don't want people to think we can't control what goes on in our lives.......but then our lip starts to gnarl up, we start gritting our teeth, the muscles in our neck stiffen up, then you notice you're getting an edge........your gut starts to swell up, and then BAM.

So whatever IT is......whatever you came up with on your list and whatever you zeroed in on ........go with it. See where it goes.....I promise you won't self destruct if you do.  Real truth....honest, gut level truth allows a shift to occur, which opens the door for change. So if you want something to be different in your life, don't wait for the other person to magically change into who you need them to be, or the perfect situation to come along because you think you deserve it.......look in the mirror.......see if there is some anger about something. Or if you want to call it something else then thats fine. No matter what you call it......anger, resentment, bitterness, loss, rejection, frustration, sadness.........whatever.....look at it for once.

It's ok to be angry......furious....kick up a fuss, wail, rant and rave, throw stuff, hit stuff, yell, scream, whatever you've mind to do.......let her rip. You probably have good reason and no one would think the less of you if you threw a fit right in front of them. Hey....if you need a witness......get one. Just don't hold it in anymore......serves no purpose and will only fester and get worse.

I hope when you look in the mirror tomorrow morning......you'll begin to see more of yourself again.

Expectations...Good or Bad?

Do you remember the last time you had expectations that a situation would turn out a certain way, only to be sad and disappointed you didn't get want you wanted in the end? Ah yes....I know that feeling well.....but determined, to not only learn to understand why I have expectations ......but what to do when quite often there's not a favorable outcome.

Obviously, expectations are plans....well thought out plans in our heads of how we visualize something happening in our lives. Course it goes without saying, that what we visualize is something good......not something that will cause pain and suffering, loss or sadness of any kind. Most often expectations involve an overwhelming sense of hope. Hope that something is apt to change, shift and be transformed for your good. But. Surely you were "expecting" that word to show up right?

But.....very often, those well thought out plans, where we visualize only happiness, joy, peace, contentment.....etc.......slip through our fingers in a blink of an eye....with sometimes no warning at all. You woke up......and it hits you right between the eyes. You find yourself curled up on the floor in the corner of your bedroom in the dark, hoping that it was just a dream......but then reality sets in, and you see things clearly did not work out as you had expected them to.

You had this very particular picture in your mind....most likely for years about how things would be, what you would be doing, how you would look, feel, who you would be with, how you would spend your time, what your work would be, how your house would look.........etc......sometimes right down to very minute details, like what color your kitchen would be, or how a relationship would go. Our minds obviously good for making nice, peaceful and happy pictures, but never making room for the unfortunate things that might happen. Things like losing a job, someone walking out on you, losing your house, or getting diagnosed with a chronic illness. Those things you never want to ponder, because they only imply pain and suffering.......nothing good.

So...as you read this, were you in the midst of expecting good things to come, and they did.....or were you in the midst of expecting good things to come, and you're stuck in the corner on the floor in the dark? Well, if you are in fact experiencing the latter, no worries.....I have no intentions of trying to pull you out of your corner right at this moment. I'm hoping you might be able to do that on your own at some point, but for right now......hopefully it will help if you just have a witness. I think when we're in that bad a shape, we don't want to move for a while.....we just want someone to notice that we're there. That somehow we see you....we see the pain...we see the suffering and the loss.........we simply see. I may throw you a blanket to keep you warm, give you some hot tea and a pillow.....turn the little nite light on....a quick smile.......but then I'll let you sit in the quiet for a bit. I'm not far away. I'll just keep watch for now.

More later.

Is Our Job Who We Really Are?

Well, I would usually start spitting out a line or two from the Webster on this issue, however, since finding that the word "work" took up almost a whole page, I'll forgo it just this once........except to say......according to Webster, work is a pretty important thing. I'll also share that the word produce is used quite often in the definition, which is not all that surprising. Most of us work in order to produce a particular thing......or offer a particular service. We do it so much that we almost become what we do. We wake up with it, navigate the day with it, ponder it at lunch, with friends, with our family, and then we fall asleep with it on our minds. In fact I'm sure another blog could be written dealing with work and sleepless nights.

Now why do you think we are all so consumed with the issue of work? Well, in order to buy what we need, we have to have money, which requires us to work. Simply the way the world is set up. And usually at a young age, we have already identified what our skills are, and how we plan to make a living for ourselves and our families. Whether it's a skill that requires college or not, is not really the issue here, but rather how our skills begin to reflect who we are in the world, and how we feel about that. There is a considerable amount of pride that comes into play when we think about our jobs, that is if you really like what you do. Again....a whole other topic to write about........people who hate their jobs. I'll just say this, you'd be surprised at how many people out there hate what they do, and can find no way to change that.

Now let's say you got lucky and discovered your gift or skills at some point in your life, and were able to venture out and find a job that makes you feel very productive, proud, and grants you a certain feeling of accomplishment in life. This is good, right? You even like it when someone asks you what you do, because it gives you an opportunity to stand up straight, show someone how smart or creative you are, which of course automatically lets them know around how much money you most likely have coming in each year. Again.....this is a good thing because we all want to feel good about ourselves, and to let others know that you are doing your part in the world....that you can make your own way......and that you have chosen a profession that you can take pride in, especially if the person asking you has a job where they make considerably less money, or in fact has just lost their job, or are too sick to work.

AH....yes.........now we get to the meat of the whole issue......is our job who we really are. Now if you do have a job that you really like and feel a sense of satisfaction about, make decent money, and can buy all the "stuff" you like, then you can pretty much stand in front of the mirror in the morning with a smile on your face and feel a genuine sense of adoration for yourself, right? You see the pride, the intelligence, the level of productivity, the family legacy of a good and solid work ethic. You may not have everything that you wanted in life, and could be happier with a bigger paycheck or nestegg, or retirement plans.......but still with those little unknowns, you can still make it through the primping in the mirror at any given moment.

Now that you're feeling good about yourself, imagine going into work tomorrow and having your boss tell you he has to let you go. Or that your investments just went south, and you have to start all over again at age 60. Or that you still have a job, but you'll have to figure out a way to do it at home, because of the need to cut back on overhead issues at work. Whether it was something you did that caused the layoff, or whether the recession just pulled the rug out from under you, it doesn't matter. The fact remains.......you have just realized that your life is going to be completely different without your job in about a thousand different ways, and so the shock sets in. The alarm clock is still set for 6, so you can get up and get ready for work, have your breakfast, and out the door by 7. Your body has been conditioned for the last 15 years to move, react, function, and prepare itself for a day of work. Whether the work is fastpace, easy going, or even if you have a job at home, where the workload and productivity is still the same, you just happen to do it in your jammies instead of a suit. Seemingly lucky group, but you are still expected to produce no matter what the dress.

Now maybe you're lucky, and your spouse has a good job, or maybe you have some good investments that will tide you over until you find another job, or you've been waiting for an opportunity to go back to school and change your career anyway. These are things that help lessen the blow of losing your job, or being asked to go part time. However......oh man......that word....can either be a brick or a dose of hope kickin in............let's go with someone who just walked outside after being fired with no umbrella and the clouds unload the rain of the century. You not only look like a drowned rat.....you feel like one as well.

Your daily life that you felt was safe and gave you a sense of accomplishment and continuity just got flushed down the drain.....and took your sense of who you are, your self worth, your way of identifying yourself, with it. Seemingly never to be heard from again. At that moment, the fear sets in, the frantic notions of no open doors hits you, and dead on....all at once. Lately it seems that the hog dog venders on the corners, should be replaced with shots of bourbon to ease the shock. If you're not a praying or spiritual person.......I'm sure that would be a welcomed sight.

My point here......and I do have one believe it or not is.........why are we so identified with our jobs to the point that we feel we are nothing without one? Our jobs are not who we are as a person, it's not our self worth, or the things we feel at the core. It's just how we make money to pay for the things that we need. And I know......everyone wants the job that brings in the most money so you can buy the best things in life........but if you take a careful look around sometime, you'll see that the large percentage in the world are low income, or poverty level people. Most often people who had no choice in the matter as to what their profession would be, or even think about having the best things in life. They never even had the chance to identify themselves with what they do in life......they're just surviving.

Now this is not the blog that bashes those who are fortunate to have a good job, and most likely will never lose that job, nor is it about the ones that have worked hard for a long time, make good money, and feel they deserve the best things in life. Or to stand at the corner and hand out dollar bills to those poor people on the street instead of buying the next thing you think you need. This is about what happens to people when they lose their job.......and how it can become a wonderful opportunity to rethink, ponder, re-evaluate your life goals...and more importantly.......who you are as a person. Because once you lose that job, and think your identity was lost as well, then you're left with something to think about....bad or good. And the first time you walk out the door of your house, and run into your neighbor who has not lost his job, you see him as lucky, worthy, fortunate, wise, intelligent....and about 100 other words that identify him as being something better than yourself.

So you go inside, shut the door, have another cup of coffee, and shuffle around in your robe and socks wondering not only why, but what the heck are you suppose to do now? You sit at the kitchen table, looking out the window, take a deep breathe and remember......oh wait.....I do get a months wages coming to me....so we can still eat and not lose our home, at least for right now. But, then you realize.....what then? So again......the mind takes over and it boils down to "self" and what a loser you are, or how surely you're not the type person who would or could lose their job....its just not possible. What will the neighbors and your peers think about you now?

Now there are either some of you out there who have been through this.......or some of you petrifide that you could go through this.......or you're thanking God that you will never have to go through this.......doesn't matter. The bottom line is, is it right to go through life totally identifying yourself with what you do. I would have given up years ago if I had decided I was not worth living on this planet if I saw myself as being sick and nothing else. Being sick is just part of who I am, it's not how I identify myself. So I take what is left and deal with it the best way I know how. Of course this is easy for me to say now, I've been in the position for many years now, but trust me, when you get the rug pulled out from under you physically, and can no longer venture out and be as productive as those around you......you can have a major crisis of self worth, or lack there of.

So, there has to be some way for those who have lost their job, or had it altered in some way with less income, to see they've been given an opportunity to change their life, as opposed to feeling they have lost their identity. Even with all the adjustments you're likely to make or have to make to survive.......it doesn't mean that you have to lose your work ethic, or your need to be productive.....it just means that you might have to think about another way to accomplish those things. It's like turning 80 before you're ready........what do I, or can I possibly do now that I'm 80? Well, even if you are too old to work, you're still the same person at the core that you were when you were working.

There is no point in asking why........trust me on this one ok? If anything....you can learn to ask yourself why not. If you think you are so special, so intelligent, so together, so fortunate, so anything.......that you could or would never be in a position to lose your job......therefore lose your self identity.......then you will always be attached at the hip to your job and never really know who you are without it. If you consider yourself a wise person because of what you do for a living, then you should be able to still see yourself as worthy and wise without nothing.

So.....if you lost your job.....remember.......things happen for a very good reason, even if we don't always know what that reason is.......but it's not the end of you......its the beginning of something new and hopefully exciting. If adjustments need to be made.....then simply make them. You won't be the first person who had to sell their Mercedes for a VW Beetle....and move into a one bedroom apartment. Besides.......thats called adventure living in my book!

Sacrifices

Ah yes.......always relish the chance to check out Webster....so here we go. Sacrifice: the act of giving up something or forgoing something valued, for the sake of something having a more pressing claim. In short....basically means giving up something you REALLY want, or think will bring you happiness, for something that far outweighs in value that something you think is so important. Honestly, I don't really hear that word much anymore, which is really alarming, because it implies that people have no idea what their priorities are in life, or what it means to actually wait for those good things in life to come to them, instead of struggling, straining, and pushing to get them. Sounds like another blog in the works on delayed gratification. I'll file that away.

Why or how do I know this? Because I learned the hard way by pushing to get what I thought would bring me peace and happiness, which in fact would ultimately land me in a pile of rubble. Did I learn.......absolutely....... did I lose anything....more than you can imagine.....in fact still paying, but my lessons were hard learned and lasted for many years. Is that necessary.....I don't think so. Do I realize now how I could have handled things differently? Very often. But the one thing that stands out for me, is that in my pushing, wanting, and not waiting, I was willing to sacrifice some really good stuff.......just to have it my way. And of course this is not me having reached perfection by any means....I'm just not where I was ok?

I suppose that means the things I did have in my life, I did not fully value or appreciate. Or even if I did, I saw my life as still lacking in some way, never taking time to be grateful for what was in front of me. So for me.....to continue to chase after that illusive butterfly.......I had to give up something. So my sacrifice was a bad thing......I lost. I gave up what was most precious to me, thinking that peace, happiness, joy, love...etc.....was out "there" somewhere. The loss was tragic.........no other word could describe it for me. A death.

I think the most important thing about sacrifices, is realizing that it has more to do with how it's going to affect other people, as opposed to you getting what you want. Now most of us don't really want to think about that, because we want what we want, when we want it, no matter how frivolous it might be. You work hard, put in long hours, wear yourself thin, and sometimes never gain any headway, so you figure you deserve.....always in a constant mode of deserve. Plus everyone else out there is spending and doing.......and you don't want to look poor or deprived. Heaven forbid.........

Ok....all this is totally understandable......however.....sorry...but I have to use that word when I have to use it...so get over it.........however........is there a person involved in your decision to get what you want? Will decisions have to be made down the road that you won't be happy about having to make because you weren't willing to make sacrifices back then? Now I fully realize this is heavy stuff to be pondered, contemplated and left some of you wiggling in your chairs......but it's because it IS important stuff.....and most often does and will involve people you love and cherish. Besides.....it's the new year.......a good time to incorporate some new and healthy behaviors that will not only enhance your life, but in the lives of those around you. So.........go ahead....BREATHE.......and get over it.....I'm not talking rocket science here.....no extraction involved.......well nothing that will involve the hospital, lets put it that way.

Now I'm talking "gut level" revelations here.....but isn't that what living life is all about? I don't know about you, but over the last year or so, I feel things viscerally, which I completely believe that when you feel things that deeply, it's time to pay attention to a decision you're getting ready to make......or your intent when facing a situation or someone you believe deserves the truth about something. I know...I know........gut level discussions require you to stop and BREATHE......so go ahead. If you don't realize by now that in order to gently navigate this world while you're here, you're gonna have to start to pay attention to your breathing.......then this is your wakeup call.

So........if you need to sacrifice something...what would it be? Is your want list worthy of the true cost? Is it going to turn around and bite you in the rear end at some point, at which time you will likely beat yourself up for not thinking more about who would be affected by your decision? If you let go of having to have this certain thing, no matter the importance at the time, are you likely to be sitting very quietly one day wondering........did I really need that? Did that support my original goals and plans for the future......or did it simply make those goals or plans harder to reach.......or altered them in a way that I would not be able to experience them the way I truly wanted to?

I think the best way to be at peace about making sacrifices, and let's face it.....they do have to be made from time to time....and it's ok......it's a good thing if you use wisdom and your intentions are good, and you are fully aware that others, those that you love WILL be affected. Take time to set priorities in life, and what you're willing to set aside for a later date, so that you can prepare yourself comfortably for that one thing in life you've waited SO long to have. After all.....most of those "things" that we want in life are simply that......things. They have no true meaning, most likely will not be missed in the long run, and for sure are not able to take the place of those things that God intended for us to have.

Does this mean you have to give up those things that you would like to have in this life? No....not at all. But everyone reading this knows what they can do without......you just don't want to think about it and heaven forbid start feeling guilty. Everyone knows what their checkbook looks like.....how much they spend and what they spend it on......as well as having hopes of what they want for their future. Just ask yourself the question now........do those two things jive? If they don't, then you'll wake up each morning with one thing on your mind.......did I need that, and did it support the really gut level important things that I want further down the road?

Now trust me...I realize.......some "stuff" is needed........simple as that. But we all know the difference in what is needed and what is wanted. If you have absolutely no peace of mind, can never wake up with a smile on your face, and never see that everyone and everything around you is a true blessing........then most likely getting "stuff" has gotten in your way.

Hmmmmm.....I guess I should have titled this......"Stuff"......what is it good for.......absolutely nothing!