Connections

Do you ever find yourself just going along in life, going through the motions that each day brings, wondering if there is something you're supposed to be doing? Now I'm not talking about forgetting someone's birthday, or forgetting to take a library book back, but something a little bit more meaningful than that. It's like something that sort of nags at you that won't let go, and it's settled in the background somewhere awaiting your attention again. Or, when you're least expecting it, a person enters into your life, that you quickly realize that it was not by chance. In fact they make such an impact, it feels as if someone is at the switch, pressing buttons, setting up schedules, and purposefully planning the whole thing. And this can be a person you've never met, someone you haven't seen or heard from in years, or someone you saw fairly regularly, but somehow the relationship has changed. No matter, it's knocked you for a loop.

I don't know which one would be the most exciting or meaningful, maybe all of them. The point is, for me, I like to spend some time wondering how I want to be present and respond in a healthy way before I go any further. After all, there are going to be those relationships that are unhealthy, or cause you to drift apart for whatever reason, and that part of the equation really need not be rehashed, but maybe just to notice in any of these chance meetings there is something different inside of you. And at first, I think we would tend to be all excited about it, but quickly could get this twinge of something that takes us back to the past, with hurts, disappointments, sadness, loss....you name it, the list is long. Those things required you to react, behave and respond in a very particular way, so there is this inherent need to resort back to those feelings, reactions or coping skills.

However, with that being said, it doesn't have to happen that way, or even if it does, you don't have to stay there. It's just a good exercise in realizing how much we carry with us throughout our lives good and bad, and have to decide at some point which ones we can keep with us, and which ones no longer serve any purpose whatsoever. In fact, will fowl up any chance of future happiness on so many different levels, that we should see clearly our own schemas, so as not to fall into the pit again. Schemas are our ways of dealing with rejection, disappointments, hurt, loss, etc....and how easily we bring them with us in each situation that comes up.....especially very close relationships.

So when these new connections are made when you least expect them, and you sense that it is in fact very special, it makes perfect sense that you want to treat it and experience it in a healthy way. Doesn't mean that comes with a guarantee that all things will work out perfectly, or that you will be with this person in the long term, no one can guarantee that. But it can insure that you can more importantly be in the moment with this person, without resorting back to past situations, or playing the devils advocate constantly finding reasons why it won't work or last. Such an easy thing to do, for most of us, to start thinking about how many things could go wrong, and why it's likely to fail and leave you in a heap yet again.

Best and most important thing to do, is to appreciate the connection, seeing it as an opportunity to try out some new behaviors, new coping skills, new mindsets of healthy self esteem and humility, and just be happy to live in the moment enjoying whatever this person brings with them. God knows we all need and deserve happy, healthy, delightful relationships, where we can just relax and be ourselves, and enjoy life. So just relax and let things fall into place. We don't have to know all the answers about what happens next, because we just don't have that gift. But we can for sure appreciate where we are at any given moment especially with new connections.

What Would Happen If We Walked in Love?

First up, this is not an attempt to get people to run up and hug someone they don't know,but maybe  acknowledging those around you differently than you usually do. Let's face it, we wake up each day having to face people we don't particularly like, on the road, at the store, at work, even where we live. But if we wait for the other person to disappear, or have a change of heart or attitude, we might be waiting for a long time. So, with recognizing that, maybe we can do something we know will work, and that is to change the way we see them. I have to do this every single day I wake up, though not with a person, but with my own physical limitations, and trust me, most days I'm thinking it would be easier to have another person as an assignment. I truly believe the battles that we have in life are the ones within ourselves, not with others. So remember, you have complete control over the battle within yourself, because you can in fact change, whereas the battle with others can be daunting.

Now I realize at this point you're convinced there is no way you can let go of all the things that bother you and simply walk in love, for that would require way too much, and you're simply "too busy", my least favorite words in the English language. I am convinced and will continue to be convinced that every person on the earth could check off at least 10 things on their to do list each day, and feel so freed up, that walking in love would be a cinch. In fact, when you make the decision or plan to do this each day, the time that is freed up, and offered in love to someone else, will come back to you two fold. Hard to believe it's that simple, but trust me, it works. Like taking time to exercise, hoping and expecting it to help you be stronger and healthier, and it actually working. You take that time you believe you are too busy, and invest it, and look for the signs of progress along the way. A little less on the scales, pants fit better, a bit more energy shows up, and you in turn gain a new outlook on your life. When that happens, you feel good about being nice to others, and offering yourself in ways you had never thought of before.

Of course the jest of all of this is, we weren't put on this earth to continually take, but to give as well. To recognize there is some pretty rough stuff going on these days, and so many people are suffering so badly, on so many different levels. But the only way we can offer ourselves up to someone else, is to free up our own lives in some way so that we have the time and energy to give something to someone else. I realize it is so easy to get caught up in your own tragedies, messes, losses, frustration, bitterness, pain and suffering.....well the list goes on. But if you stay locked up, waiting for something or someone to make yours disappear, you could be waiting a long long time. And what if your stuff doesn't go away for some reason, it doesn't mean you are imprisoned for life. It may just mean that you need to find ways to transform that stuff into something more useful, or that could help someone else.

What if you truly believed that what keeps you from walking in love, and again this is not romantic love per say.......just a kinder, compassionate, giving person..........is just taking your focus off of your mess or busy-ness, and offering it outward? What if you stopped thinking or believing that the world owes you, that the other person is responsible for making you so miserable and THEY need to change? Wow........what a new world we would live in and what a difference it would make if we all tried this for one week, just to see what would happen. I myself am convinced it would completely transform the world into a different place. One with more love, compassion, patience, peace, joy, and contentment. For me, surely doesn't make all my pain and suffering disappear, but it sure does make life a lot easier, pleasant and peaceful.

Just think......you actually have the power to change someone elses life today, including your own. Just as you can lose 10 pounds, and fit in that new suit or dress, by simply deciding.....I'm going to do something different today, it's just as easy to decide you are going to walk in love, and change the world.

So try it on.......it may actually fit today!

"Getting Back"

No, I'm not referring to retribution here, but something much gentler than that. This doesn't require anger, plotting, or ill will towards someone, but simply returning to a place in your mind where the pieces of the puzzle were easier. And yes, I do believe most of us, if asked if there were a more peaceful manageable place, we would all have one. Maybe it was a place where you felt like the stars were all lined up, love was felt, your needs were met financially, and there was time to enjoy the simple things in life. An afternoon nap in the hammock, two families gathered at a picnic table eating hot dogs, or your workplace running like a well oiled machine, with colleagues who respect and admire your work. In other words, you didn't wake up feeling that something huge was missing and had no idea what needed to happen next.

Now living on the top floor of my castle, moat below, and far above any chaos that life has to offer, I can see clearly why most people would want to "get back" to a more manageable lifestyle, where busy is not the theme of their life each day. It's like a badge people wear that gives license to use busy as an excuse to get out of doing something they really don't want to do. If there is one word that I would delete from the dictionary, busy would be at the top of the list. Probably half of the stuff that people say they are busy with, are things they just won't give themselves permission to say no to.

So, maybe a good place to start as far as getting back to a simpler place in your life, is to think about those things that keep you so busy, and when you actually use busy as permission to avoid people or situations. Keeping in mind this is not a tool to use as a sledge hammer that says you have your priorities all wrong, and are basically a dishonest person. But if you're actually going to make any progress in getting some peace back in your life, or at least having it a bit more manageable, something has to go, which surprisingly means you may have to let go of some activities, as well as some people who do nothing but drain you of your energy.

Let's face it, in each generation there is a pace that is set, and if you live around a large city, with access to more activities, people, things, you get caught up in that pace. On the other hand, if you live in a rural area, or smaller town off the beaten path, you actually have more control over how busy you want to be, or are able to realistically get back to a simpler way of life. Now that is a fact. Part of all of this is actually making choices on how you want to live your life, and how you want to spend your time. None of us are tied up, held hostage, demanded or expected to live a certain lifestyle. Most people I know are more than capable to choose the lifestyle they want to live, more specifically fast pace, slow pace.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are people who adore a fast pace life, and there is nothing wrong with that. But when you act like you can't keep up, don't have time to rest, end up spending time doing things you really don't want to do or with people you simply don't want to be around, then there is something wrong with that. When you've reached that point, you are the only person who can change it, no one else. It's time to honestly sit down and figure out what you can check off your list, and how you're going to do it without being overwhelmed with guilt.

Just remember, and I know we all hear this, but life truly is short, and there is so much that you miss when you're busy saying yes to so much you could say no to, and precious loved ones around you that would love to spend time with you doing simple things, that it's very sad indeed if you can't check things off that to do list, and cut some people or activities loose that are really not that necessary or enjoyable any longer. The time of spending your energy doing things that are not meaningful or doing them to appear cool or important are over, if in fact you are hungry enough to get back to a simpler way of being. 

It's there, for the taking. So take a moment and think about what is simply no longer necessary in your life as far as time and how you spend it. Or if you had a choice, what you would eliminate in a heartbeat if you could, and then see where you stand. I don't believe there is anything more tragic than doing something or spending time with someone you really don't want to be with. That you feel obligated to do for some reason that is no longer valid.

Think about it.

What are you Pressing Towards?

Now this is something I try to ask myself each morning, simply because some things are going to take a certain amount of energy, which I'm usually sorely lacking, so it's important I realize from the get go what I can actually achieve for any given day. I suppose I could ask this a little differently, such as what your goals are for today,or for the days ahead?

We all like to feel productive in some way, even if you don't have a regular job that takes you out of your home each day. It makes us feel important, needed, valued, respected........we all have our own list. For some of us, we feel productive if we can simply get out of bed each morning and being able to take care of ourselves. So I think it's with right thinking that once we wake up, we are naturally driven in a certain direction, either for our own needs or in helping someone else meet their needs.

For me, it helps if I simply ask myself, OK Cindy, what is it that you want today? What would make you feel like you are important in some way, valued, respected, or would bring a level of fulfillment to your life? Lately it's very simply answered. To take care of my basic needs without any help, something most people take for granted each day for sure. That's not necessarily a bad thing, I never gave a thought to my abilities 20 years ago, but of course when it's taken away, that's all you think about. I ran into a neighbor just 5 minutes ago, who is in her late 70's, and had just taken a long walk uphill and was a little out of breath. I looked and her and said one word....."wow". Then I was left with internally thinking, how amazing that would be to go for a walk, period. Uphill, downhill, flat surface.....no matter. I didn't say anything, though the old me would have made mention of whether or not she realized how fortunate she was, and felt myself a pity. I'm happy to say I no longer do that. The woman I was talking to wouldn't have "gotten it", so I let it go.

So back to setting goals, when you're somewhat limited to where you might head with those goals........you still work to find something that you can press towards. The important thing is not that you accomplish those goals in a days time, but decide in your mind what it is you are trying so hard to accomplish, because that is what I see in other people, as well as myself......that mode of trying to get something, or to get somewhere in life, even though you're not even sure why you want it so badly.

I believe a part of the trying, after you get through your 50's and into your 60's, is trying to see how long you can stay alive. You realize you are on the downside of your lifespan, and the fear sets in. You start this desperate search of how to delay death, by adding or taking away things that you calculate might bring it on too quickly, or that might extend it for a while. I have always thought that life would be so much much easier on us if we had an expiration date, like a milk carton, instead of a surprise attack of some kind. Seems like the fear would be gone.

Someone would ask you to set a date to do something or go somewhere, and you would look at your calendar and realize, oh....can't do that, that's my last day of life. Sorry, not don't mean to dwell on death, I guess I just believe in realistically looking at life AND death, which doesn't mean good and bad....it just is.

So once you're sitting on the side of the bed in the early morning, it might help to start taking note of what you're thinking about. For me, I immediately get into grateful mode, because I never know if I will make it to the bathroom without falling down or not.....so that's an easy one for me. After that, even with no schedule, no agenda, no day planner, no one waiting for me to do something, I say OK Lord.....what would you like me to focus on today? And you can say that to the universe, yourself, or whatever is right for you....but just offer it up as if you have someone else who is driving the truck that day. Your the passenger, you dressed and ready to go, coffee in hand, rested...etc........so where can I best be used today?

Ask yourself what you would really like to accomplish that day. Who you can be good to, or help. How you can be better at your job, or if you hate your job, start thinking about how you can change that, whether that means changing the way you think about it, or actually starting searching for a new job. In other words, if you feel stuck, or it's not clear to you whether you are actually in the right place work wise, relationships, whatever the case, in order to find the answers for you, there has to be a position of pressing towards a new answer, with no fear, regret, questioning, or judgement about what you feel is not quite right.

So starting tomorrow.....wake up....find something to be grateful for, and then make it a point to stop and think about where you are presently, and what changes could be made, if any, to move forward. Maybe your life is just fine, and you simply want a little more joy, peace or contentment in your life. Then spend some time finding out what you could change to make that happen.

The status quo is ok to a degree......but what if things could be a little better. See what it is you are pressing towards.

Your Way of Being and How It Impacts Others

One of those areas in our lives where little thought is given to how we effect those around us. It's interesting that we clearly believe that the sun, the weather, the moon, pollution, as well as global warming have a huge effect on all of us on a daily basis, but have no clue that we have the capacity to cause reactions, emotions, good or bad, in another person. If you don't believe me, when you go out today, zero in on someone that crosses your path who has a blank look on their face and smile or even say something like good morning, and see what happens. An easy place to start your experiment, it's harmless, takes little thought or energy, but could ultimately change a persons outlook for that day.

When I go out, I picture a sea of life stories, waiting to be spilled out, good or bad, sad or happy, content or frustrated, lost or peaceful, broken with no hope, or hopeful with a hint of joy. In other words, we ALL have a story to tell, and how our life has been effected by something or someone, good or bad. However, I do realize clearly that there are so many wounded people out there, whose lives would change drastically if they were around people who would encourage them in some way. As well.....with those who are fairly content and happy, encourage them to pass that on in some way. One thing I have learned through the years, is no matter how bad your situation, there is always someone who has it much worse. That somehow eases my own pain and suffering, and takes the focus off of what I need onto what someone else might need.

I know, all this is heavy stuff, and I'm sure your thinking good grief, are you kidding me? I have such an incredibly busy life, with so much to keep up with, who has time to think about what someone else is going through, or how you can change your way of being so that it makes life easier for someone else. Trust me.....I get it. For a very long time my life has been consumed with facing each day feeling like I have the flu, and left for dead in a ditch somewhere, but realized the only way to stay out of that ditch, even if I never got better, was to look outside myself and realize so many people are in far worse shape, so why wouldn't it make sense for me to start with some gratitude each day that my stuff is trying, to be sure, but not as bad as another. You quickly see how you can use YOUR pain and suffering to lift others up.

How do I help others, I'm sure you're asking yourself.  And the answer is very simple. Start with changing how you see the world around you, and how little it would take to make someone feel better. If you can't get out, then take advantage of how you communicate by emails, FB, twitter, blogging, or a simple card in the mail to someone you know who is suffering in some way. And you don't have to know the person, if you're out and about. Just start with a simple good morning, a smile, a gesture of help if needed......anything. I promise, once you do it once, and see the reaction you get, you will want to do it again and again. If the person is shocked you noticed, or looks suspicious, don't let that deter you. Some people who are beaten down with no hope have no idea how to react to something positive, but that's ok. Don't let that stop you.

My point.....just realize that your way of being in this world DOES in fact have an impact on others. You CAN make a difference, and the more you do this, the less stressful your life becomes, and the more joy and contentment you feel because you are living from the inside. God didn't put us here to just take.....but to give.

So take a breath and enjoy your new way of being. You'll see.....it works.

Change.....what is it good for?

OK.....so let's just get it over with........people hate change. They like to wake up every single morning, have their coffee the same way, the paper at the door, the weather, not too severe one way or the other, and watch their roots grow deeper into the earth. In other words, they have found their place in the world, and that's it, end of story. If someone comes in and suggests they do any of those things differently, they want no part of it. Not only that, they believe that the people around them should want the same thing, just keep the status quo.

Then, there are people who adore change and can easily get in a flow of being open to change, because it's easier to go with it than against. I guess you could say they are more adaptable, allowing for growth in their daily life, work, family, and more importantly within themselves. And from where I'm sitting, I think a huge part if not all of it has to do with where you came from and how you were raised. Meaning, we are taught behaviors, ideas, theories, coping mechanisms, likes, dislikes, the list goes on, which whether you realize it or not, stick with you all your life. Now you can get to any point and realize that a certain person, place, idea, or thing does not suit who you are and change directions, and make different choices, so you should never get to a place where you profess loudly that it's just who you are, you can't help it, and that's the end of it. If you do then you're cheating yourself as well as those around you from being completely authentic in this life.

We are all changing not only on the outside, but just as much on the inside. Now the outside we only have a degree of control over the natural aging process, but the inside......truly.....the sky is the limit. Like a well maintained car, you can pop the lid to see what's working, and what's not working, and make repairs or adjustments along the way. Some are minor, some require a good overhaul, but the condition of your car can change and get better.

Now we can ignore the signs that something is not quite right, but after a while, it will resurface and get our attention. Of course the longer you put it off, the worse the problem gets, and then it turns into a real mess, more costly, and ultimately has the potential of shutting down completely. So just as your car has an engine, tires, gear shift, whatever the case, that needs adjusting, your inner self has attitudes, mindsets, self talk, judgements, fears, etc, that need adjusting as well.

So if you want your mind to run as smoothly as you would like your car to run, then change is a good thing. You wouldn't want your family to ride around in your broken car, and as well, you wouldn't want them to live around someone who has behavior and attitudes that bring a lot of hurt, sadness and dysfunction to their life.

Think about it......change.......it's a good thing.

The Life of a Hermit

You ever wonder what it would be like to live like a hermit, or at least have the mind of one? Well, because of some physical limitations that have followed me most of my life, I had to learn how to be content and happy with that sort of lifestyle. Seemingly from the point of view of most people, that must be a sad situation, but let me put your mind to rest, it's not at all. Now part of that, I believe, is that I had to learn that very early as a child because there was a lot of chaos and dysfunction in my family, so I remember quite vividly many hours spent alone away from all of that. And it's interesting, as I recall, it wasn't a bad thing. I had things that I loved doing on my own as a child, and most if not all of them included being still and quiet.

One way was finding a quiet nurturing place and simply being still and taking in nature. One that stands out is lying under a huge pine tree stretched out across a bed of pine needles, simply looking at the clouds, or climbing a huge pecan tree across the street, away from everyone to watch the neighbors going about their activities outside. Or decorating a shed in the backyard, pretending it was my house.  But no matter how I found ways to set myself apart, it worked, and I wouldn't change those days for anything. So what did I learn during those few precious years? That I was in fact content to spend time alone in the quiet, which should have been very difficult with a family of 4 girls, and a very angry father, but by some miracle I was able to pull it off, and most grateful that however I managed to do that, it has carried over into my adult life.

Now, until I started getting worse physically, I was in fact still lying under trees on a blanket, reading, napping, drawing, writing....etc.....and could still capture that childlike nature that was still inherent in me. Of course being a bit more fragile, climbing the big tress went by the wayside, but as long as I could be close to them, I was fine. I did have an apartment once that was surrounded by very tall pine trees, which was heaven on earth, but unfortunately I moved away to a place I thought was going to make me much better. I dream of those pine trees quite often and wish I could recreate that environment, but so far have had to find others ways to get that feeling. Hence, living like a hermit.

So my point, and trust me, I do try to have one eventually, is that I believe that even though I am lacking the trees, I am still able to create and live the life that is good and nurturing. Quiet is probably the most important element to living the life of a hermit. To get away from all the noise that covers up those incredibly precious crickets that you hear at 4 in the morning. The only thing I hear at this moment is the distant hum of a jet, that comes and goes, but I allow the crickets to overpower that sound. A hermit wants to have their mind clear and open to contemplate life and the real and true things that it has to offer all of us. Being alone and quiet allows and is open for creativity to appear when you least expect it. It allows us to pay attention to the breath, and how precious it is when you haven't been able to breathe properly for a long time because of pain. It allows you to remember and think about what is really good for you individually in this life with your own pursuits, dreams, hopes and doing what you feel like God meant for you to do while you're here. And whether you believe it or not, we were all put here for a very specific purpose, whether you live like a hermit, or live in the middle of time square.

So for today, and in this moment of quiet, with the crickets and tapping of my keys, I will be thankful that I, even with all the limitations and pain, or even with the unfortunate or trying things that happen right outside my door each day, I can also be thankful for those moments of peace that most often bring clarity that even as a hermit, I am in fact doing what God needs me to do each day. Embrace my inner child and what she needs each day, love myself and others, and simply be available to connect in whatever way I was meant to connect. So if you are in desperate need of peace and quiet, and wonder what life would be like living like a hermit, just remember, you have the extraordinary gift each day to not be constantly in search of peace and quiet, but can actually find it and experience it each day.

I encourage you to find a tree this weekend, throw out a blanket, and look at the clouds roll by.........you alone, or to share with your children or grandchildren. What an amazing way to teach them how easy it is to find peace and quiet, and the simple precious things in life.